Episode 40: Beating Lonliness

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How to find “the one” for you • How to disentangle yourself from a bad romance7 words that can keep you from wrecking your life • How self – reliance lets you choose a life mate on your terms • The difference between friends and acquaintances • Why mood-levelers are poison • How to enjoy your own company • How to enjoy dining alone • Commie words never to use at the TNS Dojo • Listen to this episode and you may never feel lonely again!

Late August is usually the summer doldrums, right? The world is on vacation or passed out from too much PBR at the BBQ. Not so the TNS Dojo. We relentlessly soldier on to help you kick ass and take names. Hence, you may notice a small but potent adjustment to the show’s intro, at about 12 seconds in. Some chick intones, “Larry. F#*king Larry.” Who is she? What do her words mean? Does she recline like some opium den odalisque, sloe-eyed, satiated and spent after another salacious escapade with me in the XXX theater of her mind? Is she keening for another episode after binge-listening for an entire day of her life? Does she wonder where on God’s earth she can acquire a Larry of her very own to have, hold, ravish and enthrall?

Or do her orbs narrow in fury at the descriptor pointy and the hideously inappropriate (that’s one of the Commie words!),  interview with Ting-Ting, Kim Jung Un’s personal hooker from Episode 39 (now available in this shocking video)? Are her 3-words a threat, redolent with vitriol and malice? Does she dial N.O.W. and put TLS at the top of their sh*t list?

I want to know. For she is the new Mona Lisa. (Who gives a crap about the old Mona Lisa? Why did Da Vinci waste paint and brush strokes on her?) In the XXX theater of my mind, the chick voicing those three words is pointy to the power of 10. And then some.

Her audio clip was sent to us by Ronnie Fox, listener and Patreon extraordinaire. Thank you, Ronnie. And as badly as I want to ID her (and more) I beseech you not to reveal her visage to me, for no woman could possibly rival the fantasy.

I’ve also smoothed out the loop of the Zombies in the intro. Listener Jesse D. said it bugged him and it’s been bugging me since December of ’16.

Now to the matter of this episode. It’s fueled by emails from listeners. One is lonely and one wishes he was, as he tries to unload an ex-girlfriend/current roomie. Why hasn’t some Zuckerberg wonk come up with a way for people to just trade miseries? Maybe call it Tinder 2.0 or… Cinder, for when Tinder spawned romances go down in flames.

More bad decisions are made out of loneliness than alcohol-fueled rage and lust. At least after those bad decisions, one can hold his head high and indignantly say… I was loaded. Which seems easier than saying… I was lonely. But lonely we are. All of us. Sometimes. A lot of the time. Most of the time.

While there is no blanket cure or preventative for loneliness, there are many palliatives. What are they? You’ll have to listen.

And when your cup runneth over with the soured milk of a spoiled relationship,  and you long for blissful solitude, how to you get some? We’ve got a plan for you. Just listen.

Ad then go to Patreon and join the dojo.

And then follow the show on Twitter here and Tony Spumonte here. (Follow Tony before they ban him. They don’t like what he tweets.)

And get a TNS Dojo tee shirt here.

And email us your problem at thatlarryshow@gmail.com.

Do we have all the answers?

Listen.

 

 

 

Episode 39: Doomsday

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Interview with Kim Jong Un’s personal hooker • The EXACT date of WW III revealed • Why Kim Jong Un is the HERO WE NEED • What’s in Kim Jong Un’s cargo container-sized toy chest? • The “special place” where Kim likes to be touched • Why Dennis Rodman is our only hope • Who was Larry’s personal boogeyman? • Why you should embrace the apocalypse • How Kim compares to other boogeymen • Is Kim a cross dresser and what does he wear? • Why Justin Bieber is safe from Kim’s nukes • Why WW III should be called The Big ResetAll this and more… if we’re still alive!

This may be the best episode ever. Definitely top 3.

Armageddonwithit, baby! Always ahead of the curve, this show gave you all you need to know about prepping for the apocalypse back in January. (Check that episode out here.) Back then, Kim Jong Un was as quiet as a mouse with bad hair wearing hand-me-downs from Mao. Now, he’s running his mouth like Hitler on meth. And the message is – prepare to die, Yankee scum!

Just how severe is this threat? Judge for yourself when you listen to an in-depth interview with Kim’s favorite courtesan, who is now living large in Beverly Hills. She dishes all the dirt, from his penchant for lingerie to his boy crush on Justin Bieber.

We also reveal the exact date WW III will begin. Spoiler alert – don’t bother building a bomb shelter, the concrete will still be soft when the mushroom clouds are blooming. And that’s a freeing fact isn’t it?

So forget about survival and just try to look your best – and that would be in a TNS Dojo t-shirt. There’s going to be a long, long line at the pearly gates and that shirt will deter line -cutters and wise-asses. So get one here.

Follow the show on Twitter. And join the Dojo on Patreon. Now. Because the Take No Sh*t Dojo has always had a big ass, well-stocked bomb shelter. It is most definitely NOT open to the public. Members only. That means Patrionis. Click here and save your life. While everyone else is on the surface getting their asses and backs broiled doing duck and cover, we’ll be sipping top shelf scotch, tucking into filet and listening to Tony Spumonte regale us with tales of La Cosa Nostra.

You’ve been warned.

 

Episode 38: Planet Snitch

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East Germany, c. 1970: the new normal • On Planet Snitch accused = guilty • Hear an audio file from inside of Lena Dunham’s skull • What is Zersetzung, and why are we living it? • What single word unmasks PC pukes?  • Who invented doxing? • What is the code of Omerta?  • What does a massive urinal have to do with fixing a tattle-tale? • Why TOS is sh*t • What to say when cretins quote “policy”• All this and more!

If you lived in East Germany during the Cold War, you might come home from work to find your couch and Lay-Z-Boy  had changed places. And that cute picture of your toddler replaced by one of Karl Marx.  And your car’s gas tank inexplicably full… of molasses. And faked but authentic-looking images of you doing sick things to a helpless poodle mailed to your friends, co-workers and neighbors. If so, you’d have been ZERTSETZUNGED. Little creepy forget-me-nots from Stasi – the secret police. They invented doxing, outlawed humor and replaced it with fear, paranoia and political correctness. But at least nobody ever had to hear any offensive or inappropriate jokes. So there’s that.

Sound familiar? It’s kinda sorta where these dis-United States are at right now. And it’s really goddamn scary.

Required viewing: Invasion of the Body Snatchers. (1978 version) Synopsis: Humans are being replaced by dead-eyed, humorless, emotionless alien invaders from deep space. See your Uncle Louie over there? The one who cracks offensive and inappropriate jokes… in other words, funny ones? Suddenly he’s more wooden than Scott Pelley. Why? Because he’s actually an intergalactic plant. All the life has been sucked out of him by alien vegetable matter and though he still walks and talks (in a creepy monotone) he’s actually a turnip. And he wants you to be a turnip, too. So when you see him, don’t smile, don’t laugh and for God’s sake, don’t say anything that any turnip (or Lena Dunham) might find offensive. Unless you act and speak like a polite corpse … he’ll realize you’re still human and he’ll point and scream and… report you. And then the other veggie aliens will hold your down and convert you to a turnip. So be safe and just act like… Scott Pelley. A flat-lining, inoffensive, placid, polite, perfunctory, well-coiffed, doll-eyed… turnip.

Listen to this episode and then go binge watch Sam Kineson, Andrew Dice Clay, Mel Brooks, Don Rickles… hey, how come all those comedy greats are either ancient, dead or sidelined?

On second thought, listen to this episode and then click that goddamned Patreon button and and support this show. Because there is absolutely nothing else like it in the universe and it’s one of the few with the stones to sock it to turnips like Lena Dunham. And when you become  Red-belt level Patreon, you get access to all the bonus episodes and life hacks that fortify you against the invaders.

Or you can just slowly blink your eyes and be Scott Pelley.

After you join the Take No Sh*t Dojo, follow the show on Twitter and then follow TONY SPUMONTE – who is also now on Twitter. But do it this instant. Tony’s tweets are off the chain and already the turnips want to shut him down.

Email the show — thatlarryshow@gmail.com and we’ll try to save you from Stasi, Lena, Zersetzung and the soul-sucking turnips.

Or, be Scott Pelley.

Bonus Episode7: Decoding Chick Speak

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ONLY AT PATREON.COM/THATLARRYSHOW

Larry decodes ALL – words, phrases, body language, food, shoes and fragrance! • Familiarize yourself with the chick speak arsenal – Bouncing Betties, Daisy Cutters and more • Learn the secret word that chicks use when they are about to CUCK YOU! Discover the head fakes that morph Friends With Benefits deals into no-escape relationships • Why you should NEVER let a woman hug you before a knife fight • Don’t even THINK of going on a date until you hear this episode!

If you are male —  married, single or celibate —  you NEED this episode. The educational system has failed men. We don’t need Spanish, French or Mandarin – we need to learn chick speak. Here, you’ll acquire the skill to translate arcane and subtle female signals into words you can understand. At the same time, you’ll discover the verbal and non-verbal traps they set to ensnare, confound and render you helpless.

For too long, femmes have enjoyed unchallenged hegemony in wars of words. This is your opportunity to assert your manhood and gain the upper hand.

You’ll thank me for this!

Episode 37: Larry Re-brands God

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GOD RE-BRANDEDas Tony Spumonte! • Take a ride… in Tony Spumonte’s inter-dimensional Cadillac • Give Us This Day Our Daily Gnocchi • Why God has become hip as a flip phone • How to win a Lottery • What is the Splat Calculator? • Tweeting your prayers • If Tony Spumonte saves the world will he still be a criminal? • Who created the Cosmic Cherry Bomb? • Why Karma is Krap • The good, sustainable meteor that Bill Nye & Al Gore want you to love and die for • Why people who play God should have their faces punched off their skullsAll this and more!!!!

Have you noticed how people talk about “The Universe” like it’s some kind of ATM that requires no card, no password and no re-filling? Those panhandlers at train stations and freeway ramps… why haven’t they heard about “The Universe” and the “abundance” it bestows on you? Don’t they know The Secret?  What’s The Secret? It was a 2006 book that made the author sick rich.  The Secret says we need only  ask the Universe and follow the Laws of Attraction. But why not just ask Universe for the money? Writing books is hard work (I’ve written several myself). And they don’t always make money.

When we see a pointy chick we obey the Laws of Attraction, but has it ever made us a dime?

When it became uncool to be a known associate of God, self-help gurus invented this Universe jazz, so people can pray and beg something… for money and candy and sex and muscles and fidget spinners and  not have to feel/look like their parents. It’s all nonsense.

Is there hope for Mankind? Now that Tony Spumonte is GOD, you bet your sweet ass there is. He’s the ultimate Take No Sh*t guy and if you ask him for something, he’s gonna deliver. Of course, he may ask you for something in return. But that’s a lot better than praying to Jupiter and Mars and the Hale-Bopp Comet.

Right from Day One as our Supreme Being, Tony is called upon to save the entire planet. A meteor the size of Alaska is headed for New York at warp speed and unless Tony can stop it, Mother Earth is gonna get her hard drive wiped. (IMHO, she deserves it.)

Download this episode. Listen. Learn. Tell all your friends about Tony. He’s the God you’ve been waiting for all your life.

Then get this shirt.  Whether a meteor is on its way to destroy Earth, or you’re on your way to Jack In The Box, let people know you stand for something. And that you Take No Shi*t.

Then follow the show on Twitter. Sometimes I post some incendiary stuff there. And sneak previews of thumbnails, which are the best in all of podcast land.

On Instagram, where you’ll find an ever-growing gallery of those fantastic thumbnails.

Join the Take No Sh*T Dojo Patreon for special rewards – like signed books and special episodes non-dojo members will never, ever hear. Like the one being posted in a few days that will teach you how to decode Chick Speak. That’s right, Chix have their own verbal and non-verbal languages. If you don’t know them, you’re in for a lifetime of emotional whup-ass. Or, you can not join Patreon and continue to get beaten up by girls. The choice is yours.

Got trouble? Email thatlarryshow@gmail.com, or voice mail 302-71-larry. We have sensies at the Dojo who can fix damn near anything.

 

Bonus Episode 6: Handling Toxic Relatives

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They say friends are God’s way of compensating you for your family. That’s often true. Relatives will do things to you, ask things of you and say things about you no enemy would. Why do we tolerate this? Because as kids, we grow accustomed to taking their sh*t.

This episode is a 9-minute workout for your backbone. You’ll get a 3-part crash course in 1) situation assessment 2) Identifying the manipulator’s weakness and 3) resolving the conflict to YOUR satisfaction – permanently.

Whether it’s a grimbo step-parent, an in-law or a sibling that’s giving you grief, this show will weaponize your mind, enabling you to Take No Sh*t.

Isn’t it time you joined the TNS Dojo and started kicking life’s ass?

Episode 36: Alternate Reality

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Who is Brenda the Bride and what does she want from Larry? What wisdom does he give her and all single chix? What’s the Krell Brain Boost and why does Elon Musk need it? Why is Elon Musk a pinhead? Is Larry’s local supermarket a portal to another dimension? Who’s Ravishing Rashmi and how pointy is she? How did Larry miss being killed by a NYC bus, witness a double homicide that looked like an effect from Dune, then eat French food with a pointy chick? Why are Los Angeles pedestrians the stupidest people on earth? How are Furries the same as corporate execs? All this and more!

Ever feel like your entire life is being projected on a screen and you’re just watching, powerless, from the cheap seats? Then this is your episode. Is your entire life an out-of-body experience? Maybe. Ever since The Matrix (actually, well before The Matrix) people have been wondering about parallel universes. And why not? This universe is broken. What’s the customer service number? How do I get in a tech-help chat?

Ever notice how people too cool to say “God” now refer to him/it as “the Universe?” Maybe god needs to be re-branded. Okay, I accept the job. Stop with this “the universe” nonsense. From now on, He shall be called… Frank. (No, not Francesca – He’s definitely a cis.) Our Frank, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy swizzle stick…

I’m not a huge Sci-fi fan yet in this episode Forbidden Planet and Dune are both referenced. I never watched all of Dune – the acne on the fat guy was just too revolting. Seriously. But Forbidden Planet I’ve seen a bunch of times and you should, too. With a pointy chick,  cool ray guns and a machine that enables everyone to be his own Frank, what’s not to like? And who knew that Robby the Robot was a submissive foot freak?

In Los Angeles, maybe the most Frankless city on earth, the pedestrians are generally morons. They step into traffic like they are Frank and cars will bounce off them. And LA motorists think it’s rude to use the horn. They’d rather run you over than toot at you. It’s really idiotic.

Sometimes I wish Frank would destroy everyone in LA except those on my Do Not Destroy list. Once that’s been done, the population would be about 7. 7 is a good number. Frank likes 7. 7 days, 7/11 etc.

I’m supposed to appear on next Dick Show with my as yet unopened bag of Tortilla chips with the foreign matter inside that made my kid puke. Here’s a pic of the puke-inducing substance.

 

 

 

 

 

Swing over here Wednesday (7/26/17) for a kick ass bonus episode of Life Hacks from the Dojo. HANDLING TOXIC RELATIVES.

I’ll tell you how to deal with family members who think they’re Frank.

See you tomorrow.

Episode 35: Dogs Are Better Than People

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Why dogs are better than people • How a dog ruined Larry’s Christmas, and his father’s car, yet delivered this show to you • Why Larry loved Freddy, the world’s most psychotic, homicidal canine (and you will too) • What did Larry find in a junkyard that became an article of clothing he wore for years? • Is Trixie a dog name, a hooker name, or both? Meet Mama Jenkins, a .12 gauge totin’ maniac who almost took out Larry’s extended family  • What is Madera Star-Flecked Twilight and how can it bring you spiritual enlightenment? All this and more!

If you want a friend, buy a dog. Truer words were never spoken. This is the canine episode and early reviews are already ranking it top 3, right up there with How To Be a Mack Daddy and Larry’s Road Trip to Destiny. So make sure those ear-buds are snug and you’ve plenty of Kleenex. If you have a girlfriend, listen with her and you’ll thank me later. And the best way to do that is join the dojo at Patreon.com/thatlarryshow.

Did you know that around the world, people have different ways of mimicking dog barks? In the USA, we say bow-bow or woof-woof. But in South Korea, they say mung-mung! How do I know that? Join Patreon and maybe I’ll tell you in a bonus episode I’ll be doing on pointy, mysterious girlfriends from beyond Cathay. 

Here’s my dog, Moose. He’s a nasty little bastard, but I still love him. Why? Because he’s 12 pounds of Take No Sh*t ferocity. He looks sullen and pissed-off because as this image was snapped, some bozo said the word neuter.

For the record, I’ll shoot the next person who suggests I have him de-balled.

Will Rogers, who was not remotely funny in any way, was famous for having said, “I never met a man I didn’t like.” That signature quotation is not remotely funny and also proves him to be a liar. He was a jug-eared, un-funny goober who did his unfunny act while playing with a lariat. I’ve always wanted to go off on Rogers, and this is an opportunity to shoe-horn that in while saying my signature quotation: “I’ve met only a few dogs I don’t like, but most people piss me off.”

Follow ThatLARRYSHOW on Twitter. Why? Because that’s where I hang out between Tuesdays and sometimes rail about crap like the anti-free speech ad from those Commie pukes at Reebok. Here’s the meme I created that went viral. It was a re-work of their stupid “buy our sneakers while we tell you what to think and say and how to act” advertisement.

I once owned a pair of their sneakers, and they made my feet hurt.

Last week, we launched the first Life Hacks From The Dojo bonus mini-sode on Patreon and it was a hit. And it’s available to all belt-levels, not only the elevated (and pricier) ones. So email us your troubles to thatlarryshow@gmail.com and get a sensei on your side.

Is the thumb nail for this week’s episode an homage to Dick Masterson’s book, MABTW? Well, sorta/kinda. I’ve known great people of either sex (I never use the word gender) and plenty of cretins, too. But dogs are far superior to human beings. Fact. Fight me. And I’ll have Moose tear the ass off you.

Episode 34 : What To Do When She Gives You The Silent Treatment

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Navigating the relationship minefield • Decoding chick speak2 dangerous words chicks want you to say that gives them the advantage • Your 2 word answer that makes her go ballistic • Why did Larry bounce a trash can off someone’s head? • Who fights dirty in the battle of the sexes? • The premiere episode of a new Patreon only series, LIFE HACKS FROM THE DOJOonly on Patreon and only a buck!

Face it, chicks have us out-gunned in emotional warfare… until now. In this must-listen mini-sode, you’ll learn the verbal judo you need to keep her off balance and yourself off the mat. Don’t be first to tap out – join Patreon now and get wise!

 

Episode 33: CULTBUSTING

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Larry’s prank call that had NYC cops chasing their tails •  The mass-suicide that was hilarious! • Why YOU are in a CULT and don’t even know it • Which cult did Larry escape from? • How a creepy, talentless dwarf got a harem (and you can, too!) • The cult that hitched a ride on a comet • What to wear to heaven • Why St. Peter cares about your shoes • The pointy chix who fought for Larry’s soul  • America’s new, fun religion • All this and more!

Question: What’s more fun than a mass-suicide of 39 web developers, many of whom were self-gelded?

Answer: Nothing. That’s about as funny as life (and death) gets. The Heaven’s Gate story happened 20 years ago, and I’m still laughing. And you will too when you stroll down Suicide Lane with Do Applewhite and his batshit-crazy disciples. See for yourself – their website is still up, right here . Is it wrong to laugh at the dead? Not those dead.

From that doughy little pissant in Pyongyang to your neighbor who thinks immortality is attainable through wheat-grass and date shakes, cults are just plain funny. Which is why I had to do this show. Cults are such a rich vein of comic material, it was tough keeping the episode to my usual compact length. I’m already considering a sequel. If you know any nutty adult cults about to do something sick to themselves, please give me advance notice. I want the scoop.

In this episode, you’ll meet Carson Bates, the rich-kid round-peg in a hexagonal hole who wound up with a genie hair-do, a saffron robe and a big goofy drum. And had platoons of NY cops looking for him, thanks to a prank phone call from moi.

Meet the impossibly pointy Tonya & Sister Stevens, who fought to induct me into their respective cults.  Women — you can’t live with them and you can’t recruit stupid men without them.

Take a second look at the foreign matter my kid discovered in a bag of tortilla chips. What the hell is that thing? Maybe there should be some kind of guessing contest. Suggestions are welcome.

Lay them on me at thatlarryshow@gmail.com.

Or ramble mindlessly at 302-71-larry.

Looks like Dick Masterson has been banned from Twitter again. Maybe we can carry his flag while he’s in the corner. Tweet at me.

Gotta go now. My saffron robe is just in from the dry cleaners. Hare Krishna!