Month: July 2017

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They say friends are God’s way of compensating you for your family. That’s often true. Relatives will do things to you, ask things of you and say things about you no enemy would. Why do we tolerate this? Because as kids, we grow accustomed to taking their sh*t.

This episode is a 9-minute workout for your backbone. You’ll get a 3-part crash course in 1) situation assessment 2) Identifying the manipulator’s weakness and 3) resolving the conflict to YOUR satisfaction – permanently.

Whether it’s a grimbo step-parent, an in-law or a sibling that’s giving you grief, this show will weaponize your mind, enabling you to Take No Sh*t.

Isn’t it time you joined the TNS Dojo and started kicking life’s ass?

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Who is Brenda the Bride and what does she want from Larry? What wisdom does he give her and all single chix? What’s the Krell Brain Boost and why does Elon Musk need it? Why is Elon Musk a pinhead? Is Larry’s local supermarket a portal to another dimension? Who’s Ravishing Rashmi and how pointy is she? How did Larry miss being killed by a NYC bus, witness a double homicide that looked like an effect from Dune, then eat French food with a pointy chick? Why are Los Angeles pedestrians the stupidest people on earth? How are Furries the same as corporate execs? All this and more!

Ever feel like your entire life is being projected on a screen and you’re just watching, powerless, from the cheap seats? Then this is your episode. Is your entire life an out-of-body experience? Maybe. Ever since The Matrix (actually, well before The Matrix) people have been wondering about parallel universes. And why not? This universe is broken. What’s the customer service number? How do I get in a tech-help chat?

Ever notice how people too cool to say “God” now refer to him/it as “the Universe?” Maybe god needs to be re-branded. Okay, I accept the job. Stop with this “the universe” nonsense. From now on, He shall be called… Frank. (No, not Francesca – He’s definitely a cis.) Our Frank, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy swizzle stick…

I’m not a huge Sci-fi fan yet in this episode Forbidden Planet and Dune are both referenced. I never watched all of Dune – the acne on the fat guy was just too revolting. Seriously. But Forbidden Planet I’ve seen a bunch of times and you should, too. With a pointy chick,  cool ray guns and a machine that enables everyone to be his own Frank, what’s not to like? And who knew that Robby the Robot was a submissive foot freak?

In Los Angeles, maybe the most Frankless city on earth, the pedestrians are generally morons. They step into traffic like they are Frank and cars will bounce off them. And LA motorists think it’s rude to use the horn. They’d rather run you over than toot at you. It’s really idiotic.

Sometimes I wish Frank would destroy everyone in LA except those on my Do Not Destroy list. Once that’s been done, the population would be about 7. 7 is a good number. Frank likes 7. 7 days, 7/11 etc.

I’m supposed to appear on next Dick Show with my as yet unopened bag of Tortilla chips with the foreign matter inside that made my kid puke. Here’s a pic of the puke-inducing substance.

 

 

 

 

 

Swing over here Wednesday (7/26/17) for a kick ass bonus episode of Life Hacks from the Dojo. HANDLING TOXIC RELATIVES.

I’ll tell you how to deal with family members who think they’re Frank.

See you tomorrow.

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Why dogs are better than people • How a dog ruined Larry’s Christmas, and his father’s car, yet delivered this show to you • Why Larry loved Freddy, the world’s most psychotic, homicidal canine (and you will too) • What did Larry find in a junkyard that became an article of clothing he wore for years? • Is Trixie a dog name, a hooker name, or both? Meet Mama Jenkins, a .12 gauge totin’ maniac who almost took out Larry’s extended family  • What is Madera Star-Flecked Twilight and how can it bring you spiritual enlightenment? All this and more!

If you want a friend, buy a dog. Truer words were never spoken. This is the canine episode and early reviews are already ranking it top 3, right up there with How To Be a Mack Daddy and Larry’s Road Trip to Destiny. So make sure those ear-buds are snug and you’ve plenty of Kleenex. If you have a girlfriend, listen with her and you’ll thank me later. And the best way to do that is join the dojo at Patreon.com/thatlarryshow.

Did you know that around the world, people have different ways of mimicking dog barks? In the USA, we say bow-bow or woof-woof. But in South Korea, they say mung-mung! How do I know that? Join Patreon and maybe I’ll tell you in a bonus episode I’ll be doing on pointy, mysterious girlfriends from beyond Cathay. 

Here’s my dog, Moose. He’s a nasty little bastard, but I still love him. Why? Because he’s 12 pounds of Take No Sh*t ferocity. He looks sullen and pissed-off because as this image was snapped, some bozo said the word neuter.

For the record, I’ll shoot the next person who suggests I have him de-balled.

Will Rogers, who was not remotely funny in any way, was famous for having said, “I never met a man I didn’t like.” That signature quotation is not remotely funny and also proves him to be a liar. He was a jug-eared, un-funny goober who did his unfunny act while playing with a lariat. I’ve always wanted to go off on Rogers, and this is an opportunity to shoe-horn that in while saying my signature quotation: “I’ve met only a few dogs I don’t like, but most people piss me off.”

Follow ThatLARRYSHOW on Twitter. Why? Because that’s where I hang out between Tuesdays and sometimes rail about crap like the anti-free speech ad from those Commie pukes at Reebok. Here’s the meme I created that went viral. It was a re-work of their stupid “buy our sneakers while we tell you what to think and say and how to act” advertisement.

I once owned a pair of their sneakers, and they made my feet hurt.

Last week, we launched the first Life Hacks From The Dojo bonus mini-sode on Patreon and it was a hit. And it’s available to all belt-levels, not only the elevated (and pricier) ones. So email us your troubles to thatlarryshow@gmail.com and get a sensei on your side.

Is the thumb nail for this week’s episode an homage to Dick Masterson’s book, MABTW? Well, sorta/kinda. I’ve known great people of either sex (I never use the word gender) and plenty of cretins, too. But dogs are far superior to human beings. Fact. Fight me. And I’ll have Moose tear the ass off you.

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Navigating the relationship minefield • Decoding chick speak• 2 dangerous words chicks want you to say that gives them the advantage • Your 2 word answer that makes her go ballistic • Why did Larry bounce a trash can off someone’s head? • Who fights dirty in the battle of the sexes? • The premiere episode of a new Patreon only series, LIFE HACKS FROM THE DOJO – only on Patreon and only a buck!

Face it, chicks have us out-gunned in emotional warfare… until now. In this must-listen mini-sode, you’ll learn the verbal judo you need to keep her off balance and yourself off the mat. Don’t be first to tap out – join Patreon now and get wise!

 

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Larry’s prank call that had NYC cops chasing their tails •  The mass-suicide that was hilarious! • Why YOU are in a CULT and don’t even know it • Which cult did Larry escape from? • How a creepy, talentless dwarf got a harem (and you can, too!) • The cult that hitched a ride on a comet • What to wear to heaven • Why St. Peter cares about your shoes • The pointy chix who fought for Larry’s soul  • America’s new, fun religion • All this and more!

Question: What’s more fun than a mass-suicide of 39 web developers, many of whom were self-gelded?

Answer: Nothing. That’s about as funny as life (and death) gets. The Heaven’s Gate story happened 20 years ago, and I’m still laughing. And you will too when you stroll down Suicide Lane with Do Applewhite and his batshit-crazy disciples. See for yourself – their website is still up, right here . Is it wrong to laugh at the dead? Not those dead.

From that doughy little pissant in Pyongyang to your neighbor who thinks immortality is attainable through wheat-grass and date shakes, cults are just plain funny. Which is why I had to do this show. Cults are such a rich vein of comic material, it was tough keeping the episode to my usual compact length. I’m already considering a sequel. If you know any nutty adult cults about to do something sick to themselves, please give me advance notice. I want the scoop.

In this episode, you’ll meet Carson Bates, the rich-kid round-peg in a hexagonal hole who wound up with a genie hair-do, a saffron robe and a big goofy drum. And had platoons of NY cops looking for him, thanks to a prank phone call from moi.

Meet the impossibly pointy Tonya & Sister Stevens, who fought to induct me into their respective cults.  Women — you can’t live with them and you can’t recruit stupid men without them.

Take a second look at the foreign matter my kid discovered in a bag of tortilla chips. What the hell is that thing? Maybe there should be some kind of guessing contest. Suggestions are welcome.

Lay them on me at thatlarryshow@gmail.com.

Or ramble mindlessly at 302-71-larry.

Looks like Dick Masterson has been banned from Twitter again. Maybe we can carry his flag while he’s in the corner. Tweet at me.

Gotta go now. My saffron robe is just in from the dry cleaners. Hare Krishna!

 

 

 

 

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Like free speech? Like seeing a billion dollar Goliath get its ass kicked by a David with a microphone? Then this your episode.

5 fast minutes of brutal, head-snapping, lie-pummeling truth. CNN hits the Dojo floor like the rotting cadaver it is.

Special thanks to my ass-kicking tag-teamer,  TNS Dojo Co-Counsel Nick Rekieta. And to dojo member Matt Reifler (for suggesting this episode.)

Shorties like this episode can easily go viral – share it with the world!

TNS!

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The martial art chicks use to kick your ass • How social media can trigger a diabetic coma • The phrase that separates liars from truth tellers • How Larry’s pal was lobotomized by a pointy chick • What is the “truth app?” • Life hacks from the dojo • What do serial killers and super-heroes have in common? • What’s in the tortilla chip bag that made Larry’s kid puke? •  All this and more!

We’ve all got our secrets, and we know they’re safe with the NSA and Julian Assange. in this episode you ‘ll learn to decipher the code of social media romantic BS that can save you rivers of tears and oceans of money.

You’ll get a first look at the new feature, Life Hacks From The Dojo. (They ain’t no TED talks, folks.) In this debut segment, you’ll learn how to (non-violently) flip price-gouging salespeople and get what you need at rock bottom prices. Life is one big negotiation, and TNS Dojo members always win.

You’ll also get a peek at the new mystery that’s got a billion dollar food company soiling its diapers. What the hell is in the tortilla chip bag that made Larry’s kid puke? We don’t know, because the bag is still unopened. But it sure as hell doesn’t look like something you’d want to eat.

What’s your guess? Email it to us at thatlarryshow@gmail.com. Or call us at 302-71-Larry. Give us your guess and/or tell us what foreign matter showed up in your snack pack.

 

 

Geraldo Rivera got famous when all of America tuned in to see Al Capone’s safe opened, where they found… nothing. Look at that picture, kids – does that look like nothing?

The Twitter action is heating up, so follow the show and you’ll never miss a single snarky morsel. If snappy imagery is what titillates you, follow the show on instagram, where every-eye popping, snowflake-triggering thumbnail is meticulously preserved and displayed in one tidy digital showcase.

Get yourself over to Patreon and join the Take No Sh*t dojo. There you may reap special rewards, like Larry’s signed books, or custom ring-tone recordings in the voice that’s launched a thousand fantasies. You’ll learn how to transform yourself into your own Superman and listen to a live recording of a Commie Russkie soldier making love to a chimpanzee. Most of all, you’ll be in with the in-crowd – the swingin’ senseis that have the answers you’ve been searching for.

While you’re having all these adventures, you’ll want to look your best, and the best way is in this official TNS Dojo T-shirt in gunfighter black. Get one before they’re all gone.