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Why New Year’s sux ▲ How to improve yours ▲ Dealing with New Year’s parties and party chix ▲ WTF does GALA mean? ▲ Why New Year’s is better in Barbados ▲ God’s electric New Year’s Chariot ▲ Why Times Square is a portal of hell ▲ The 3 ingredients in magic ▲ Why Larry has always hated New Year’s and always will!
Here we are, a scant few hours before the most dreaded holiday of the year. Why do we give a shit? It’s just another box on the calendar. But at every stage of our lives, there’s another reason to obsess over it. In childhood, it’s the mystery of it all. Surely with all the noise and music and dancing and vomiting all those adults must know something really BIG is about to happen, right!?!?
In the unattached adult years, there’s tremendous pressure to have a date for New Year’s Eve. It must surely be a big revenue night for hookers. Do lonely women pay men to accompany them to New Year’s parties? Probably not. They sit home and eat Chunky Monkey and watch chick flicks. Unless they’re hookers.
For those who are coupled, there’s even more bullshit. If you’ve been dating 12 or 18 months or more, a milestone day like New Year’s forces the question: “where is this relationship going?” And if the answer doesn’t contain the word “commitment,” he’s in for a shit storm followed by a speedy adios.
For more settled types, New Year’s is a chance to put on your glad rags and act like… the idiot you were before you were married.
I hate New Year’s Eve. Been sleeping through them for years. They’re for amateurs.
Ever since I was 5 or 6 years old and finally got the chance to stay up past midnight and actually experience New Year’s, I’ve known it was a hollow and worthless holiday.
In this episode, I vividly recount that very night and how I spent hours staring at a big, blue star pinned to the church steeple across the street. It soothed my sense of disppointment.
I loved that star so much, I built one myself, and here it is.
The only one like it in the world. Beats the shit out of that Grinch inflatable from Home Depot, doesn’t it?
I’ll see you tomorrow for Sinners’ Sunday with Mary & Joe’s big getaway, and again on Tuesday, the first day of 2019. Come back and hang with me.
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