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Where are the space aliens hiding among us? ▲ What do they look like? Answer: Like UPS men with Pit Bull dog heads ▲ Do they eat beef jerky?▲ Why do they love doing anal probes? ▲ How to prevent an anal probe ▲ Why do aliens depict Santa as half -dressed and drunk? ▲ Why do they depict Jesus standing on baby heads? ▲ What are Atonemints, and do they really freshen breath as they remove sin? ▲ Did Dorothy have sex with the Scarecrow?▲ Which soda flavor tastes better, Martian Poop or Alien Snot?
These two reptiles might look cute, but they also might be here to wrest control of Earth from us bipeds. Many people believe that aliens aren’t just visiting in their little saucers, but rather, have been here for decades and walk among us. Some also believe those aliens are reptiles in human disguise.
Some other people believe aliens look like this:
That would be the opinion of a woman in Kissimmee, Florida, who described her alien visitor as “around 6’ 3”, 220, wearing a form-fitting tan colored uniform, boots and gloves.” His head was more like what’s pictured here. It does sound like an intergalactic UPS man, doesn’t it?
In this episode, I uncover the truth behind aliens, at least those who live among us. Immigrants tend to toil in the businesses of their predecessors. Lots of Irish used to operate pubs in New York. In L.A., Filipinos often operate old folks homes. And from sea-to-shining-sea, roadside attractions are owned and operated by aliens from another galaxy.
How do I know? With one visit to Charlie Brown Farms in the Antelope Valley of Southern California. The Antelope Valley has no “Housewives of.” The Kardashians have never been there – probably never heard of it. It’s in a place called the “high desert.” High as in altitude and high as in mountains o’ meth. But not at Charlie Brown Farms. Their inventory will take you on a trip industrial – strength LSD could not.
How would this likeness of Duke Wayne look, tucked between your foosball and Pong machines? (It’s only $660 – 50% off!)
Was there sub-textual creepiness going on in the Wizard of Oz? Clearly, this artisan thinks so.
Thirsty? Have a swig of the local brew – imported from a few galaxies east of this one.
Have you been stressed of late? Tense, ready to snap? With this psycho killer clown on your breakfast table egging you on, you’ll hasten your destiny and those of your victims. The voices he’ll put in you head will not be ignored. Pass the salt and the chain-saw, please.
Aliens know more than we do. They see past Sanitized Santa and are drinking buddies with the real McCoy – a perpetually loaded reprobate who lives in North Miami Beach where the only poles are the ones in the strip joints he hangs out at. Here is Authentic Santa:
Lastly, Aliens do some serious traveling; not the Mickey Mouse distances we traverse. So they leave nothing to chance, including their women. Here’s a cast-iron chastity belt for the serendipitous price of $69.
Gotta go now. I’m racing in the Saturn 500. It’s not an oval, track, it’s a circle. On the rings of Saturn. Wish me luck.
And keep watching the skies. And the curio shops.
Write to Larry with your UFO story: thatlarryshow@gmail.com
Call Larry: 302-71-Larry