Episode 381: Who’s Killing Chinatown?

What “must-have miracle product” is found only in Chinatown? ■ Why are ants the same as Commies? ■ Which cough remedy is on a whore-house menu? ■ What does Larry tell ants before he kills them? ■ Why the EPA must not be trusted ■ Why Chinese tongs will outlive the US Govt.

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“Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.”

Famous final words of dialog from one of the best movies ever made. Not just any Chinatown, L.A.’s Chinatown, circa 1930 something.

Here we are in the autumn of 2022 and it would be nice to say Chinatown is on life support, but it’s not. It’s going to die. And nobody seems to give a shit.

For a century, it was a major part of what made L.A. , L. A. Can any city be a metropolis without one? Besides L.A., only New York and San Francisco had serious Chinatowns.

This is one of the coolest buildings in LA or any city. I shot this picture of Hop Louie restaurant in 2012, when the minimum wait for a table – was one hour.

Now, it’s been gutted. An empty shell they use for movie shoots.

San Francisco’s Chinatown was by far the biggest and best. I’ve not been there in many years. It may have been destroyed by the Commie shit that has destroyed most of San Francisco. Ditto, New York’s Chinatown. Without some enormous financial reward, I would not set foot in either city.

Look at this open square in mid-day. Where are the people?

Once this place was packed with tourists and artsy types checking out wall-to-wall galleries. Now, the only visible life form is a big, ugly weed.

If only they could resurrect Bruce Lee. Maybe he could kick some ass and get Chinatown jump-started.

Who knew that Hop Sing wasn’t only the Cartwright’s cook, but also the name of one of China’s most infamous TONGS?

It’s been around for centuries, and its members are considered formidable allies… or enemies. Can they save Chinatown? I wasn’t about to knock on their door and ask.

Not too long ago, limos idled curb – side while flush shoppers stocked up on Rolexes and Pateks and Cartiers at this store. It was very plush. Look at it now. Why has no thief yet ripped off those cool Omega door handles or that even cooler Omega clock? Maybe the Hop Sing boys are the silent owners.

As Carl Douglas sang, Kung Fu is “an ancient Chinese art, Oh-hoh-hoh-hoah, Oh-hoh-hoh-hoah.” But has it now crossed over to swimming/diving? Is there a secret pool in the basement of the dojo? Who knows?

As long as we’re on Kung Fu, seems like in every Bruce Lee movie, he took on 8 or 9 restaurant guys in an alley, who were doing exactly what these guys are doing. I assumed it was a gimmick for the movie. But I guess Chinese cooks like to prep the veggies outside. And this alley is a lot nicer than the ones where Bruce fought.

Where do those cooks get the food? Maybe it was this place, but not anymore. This was Chinatown’s only supermarket. It won’t be replaced.

What’s this you ask? It’s the new Chinatown. A boba tea emporium.

Cozy, eh? Just touch the screen on the right to place your order. Have a seat on an ass-punishing stool and try to interpret the mural. It’s brand new, but the artifacts are not. Instamatic camera? Boom box? Rotary phone? What does it all mean?

When your beverages are ready, hear the electronic chime-prompt, turn right and step to the bullet-proof glass where some masked, non-binary, non-speaking person pushes your drink under the slot. Touch your card to the no-contact pad. No cash, please. Watch the person vanish behind a wall.

You’re welcome to sit and enjoy your drink. And the marvelous mural. As long as your ass can tolerate that stool.

Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.

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