That LARRY SHOW

Write to Larry: thatlarryshow@gmail.com

Call the Take No Shit Dojo: 302-71-larry

Episode 271: Larry’s Forbidden Road Trip – Part 2


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What happens when Larry demands a full refund from the Hell Motel in Oklahoma? ▲ Take a wet, white-knuckle drive through an electrical storm in the Allegheny mountains ▲ Ride out a hurricane and 4-day power-failure in the northeast ▲ Experience a seizure with Moose at 3 am in West Virginia ▲ Why does NYC still suck and who is responsible? ▲ Which has the pukier governor, NY or Wisconsin?▲ The journey continues!

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America is a pretty big place. Until you drive across it a few times. The more you do it, the more it shrinks. I guess it’s like the relativity of time. The older you get, the shorter the minutes, hours, days, weeks etcetera, seem.

This episode is part 2 of a loose chronicle of my journey – with 4/5 of my family – that would be me, my wife, younger daughter, Moose, the blood-thirsty 16 lb guard-dog and me, across America and back again. My older daughter couldn’t make it. She was away at school.

It’s a time unlike any other in our history – or for that matter – world history. A nation on pause, due to a virus manufactured in a laboratory in China.

Fact: It was manufactured. Deal with it.

This episode picks up where the first installment left off. Me standing in a motel shower in Weatherford, Oklahoma, soaped and wet, when the water just… stopped. Like Moses stretched his sinewy arm across the motel and said – cease!

But that’s not the meat of the episode, its the garnishing. The meat is what we saw as we drove from state to state, from truck stop to truck stop. (Flying J and Pilot are the nicest, but one in New Mexico – Russell’s – is the Ritz Carlton of trucks stops. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Russell’s is in the 3rd installment of this series.)

Here’s where we picked up in Weatherford Oklahoma. Torrential rains produced street floods. A damn mess, but not to kids. Kids are the ultimate makers of lemonade from lemons. Here they are splashing around in a storm drain. (No, Pennywise was not on the other side of the safety grating.)

Motel art is a realm unto itself. Most of it is hideous. I’ve seen a lot of motel art, but this is the first double – vision yet. The same shitty print over both queen beds. Somebody said “yes’ to that. Wonder what their home looks like?

Most motel lighting is also hideous. Primarily due to those corkscrew CFLs that give your room the sickly cast of a hockey rink.

With America closed, we couldn’t depend on roadside restaurants, so we packed the Coleman cooler with good grub. I’ve had the thing for years. It’s indestructible – plugs into the car or AC outlet and keeps drinks and food just a degree or two above freezing. Perfection. (Note Moose guarding cargo.)

I’ve stayed in many a Marriott, but never one this shitty. What could possibly say “we don’t give a fuck” louder than three bone-dry dead topiaries at the grand entrance? How about a sink that won’t drain? Broken security doors? Crumbling staircases and overflowing trash cans? Check, check and check. So we checked out.

Never trust online reviews.

All this pandemic shit has hoteliers telling us how clean they are. Shouldn’t they be cleaning this stuff whether or not there’s a Whuhan flu?

Never experienced a hurricane without precipitation – but here it is – just ferocious wind. This is not the mighty Atlantic – it’s Long Island Sound, Amazing.

The previous night was amazingly still — the calm before the storm.

America hasn’t been calm lately. But you have to wonder if there’s a much, much bigger storm in the not too distant future.

Keep your power dry. In the mean time, stay calm and look at this.

Stay tuned for part 3.

Write to Larry: thatlarryshow@gmail.com

Call the Take No Shit Dojo: 302-71-larry

Episode 270: Larry’s Forbidden Road Trip – Part One

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Break quarantine with Larry and hitch a ride on his 6,000 mile journey in search of America ▲ Are we a nation in ruins? ▲ Can America recover from Covid and Commies? ▲ How much of what the media dishes up is lies? ▲ Why the Jack in the Box clown kicks Ronald McDonald‘s ass ▲ Motel Hell ▲Come along on this long, strange trip…

Write to Larry: thatlarryshow@gmail.com

Call the Take No Shit Dojo: 302-71-larry

Episode 269: Larry’s Summer Escape

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Larry (in a Pontiac) battles Psycho Steroid Hercules • Where are the pointiest chix in North America? • Larry almost becomes a victim • The ultimate pointy chick arcade game • Secrets to your best summer ever • How to teach a four-year-old to body surf • Meet Larry’s T.N.S Dad • . • And more, more, more!

Just because it’s the most fucked up summer in history doesn’t mean it has to be fucked up for you. YOU don’t sit around with your thumb up your ass waiting for some authority figure i.e., douche-bag politician, to give you permission to have fun. Bet your life those hypocritical turds are having the best summer ever – and we’re paying for it!

So it’s time to get creative. Beached closed? Go in the evening. Or find some unoccupied mansion on a beach and park your blanket right in front of it. Just take a copy of the Wall St. Journal and paste a pukey expression of ennui on your mug. They’ll figure you just bought the damn mansion.

Life is what you make it, and I’ve collected my deepest belly laughs by triggering idiots. Best way is to throw a compliment their way – maybe two or three – and then deliver a verbal uppercut. That steams them up right quick.

Just make sure you can take them or out-run them.

This episode gives full instructions on how to salvage your summer. And wreck some else’s.

Laugh it up.

Write to Larry: thatlarryshow@gmail.com

Call the Take No Shit Dojo: 302-71-larry

Episode 268: The Sensitives

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What’s a fecal transplant, and how is it done? (It’s revolting!) ■ What’s a “sensitive?“ ■ What have they in common? ■ What current social malaise did a famous comedian predict in 2008? ■ Where is the town of Snowflake, USA and why do snowflakes live there? ■ What famed stage psychic read Larry’s mind (and what did he see?) ■ Whether you’re a canary in the coal mine or block of emotionless granite, you need this episode!

Write to Larry: thatlarryshow@gmail.com

Call the Take No Shit Dojo: 302-71-larry

Episode 267: Making it Through the Minefield of Love

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What’s on her secret first-date check list? ♥ No eligible women in your vicinity? Larry has the answer ♥ The pitfalls/benefits of dating an ex-addict (yes, there can be benefits!) ♥ Why females hold 90% of the cards on dates ♥ Why dating is insane ♥ Key elements of long-term compatibility ♥ Whether incel or man-whore, you NEED this episode!

Write to Larry: thatlarryshow@gmail.com

Episode 266: Meet The Fisters

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The 7-foot, 400 lb., GIANT that lived in Larry’s Maytag ■ Larry tops GOD with his end-of-the-world scenario ■ Larry proves the Bible, the Torah and the Vedas WRONG! ■ Were Do Applewhite and the Hale-Bopp idiots right? ■ What the comet NEOWISE is telling mankind ■ Why The Day The Earth Stood Still was Commie propaganda ■ If you think the world is spinning off its axis, this is your episode!

Write to Larry: thatlarryshow@gmail.com

Call the Take No Shit Dojo: 302-71-Larry

Episode 265: Larry Interviews Dr. Fauci

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DISCOVER: Dr. Fauci’s prediction for GLOBAL MORALITIES due to Covid-19 ♠ The 2-part prophylactic regimen that renders him IMMUNE! ♠ How effective will the vaccine be? ♠ He confirms Covid-19 was created in a CHI-COM lab ♠ Which type of MASK is SAFEST? ♠ This episode can SAVE YOUR LIFE!

Write to Larry: thatlarryshow@gmail.com

Call the Take No Shit Dojo: 302-71-larry

Episode 264 – Distant Early Warning – Your Key To Getting What YOU Want

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POINTY CHICK PATROL, LIVE!▲The Distant Early Warning system chicks use to evaluate you▲Winning in business & romance ▲ Are you in a “Square Peg” relationship? They’re poison! ▲ The night all of Los Angeles stood up to PC pressure groups ▲ How an insurance company and a contractor tried to screw Larry ▲ All this and more in this heads up episode!

Write to Larry: thatlarryshow@gmail.com

Call the Take No Shit Dojo: 302-71-larry

Episode 263: DO NOT HOLD IN HAND

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How Commies are using Karens, Kids and K-9s to cancel 4th of July ▲ July 4 – THE holiday for MEN ▲ The true meaning of Independence Day ▲ Explosives you should love (and use!) ▲ What YOU need to do to FIGHT BACK! ▲ Why Larry LOVES the 4th of July, and you should too.

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Ahh, those Debbie Downers – they’re everywhere, aren’t they? As the old adage goes, they could fuck up a wet dream. All over Twitter and Facebook are NGOs and individual cretins preaching their wet-blanket gospel of… lowered expectations.

This Fourth of July will be a little bit different they say. And the follow up is the WUHAN FLU (Covid-19 in their PC parlance) caveats.

Wanna hang with family and friends and BBQ? MASK ON!

Wanna protest/loot/burn and destroy shit? No worries! NO MASK NEEDED! You’re Covid protected! It’s a very smart virus! It only attacks who we permit it to attack!

The ancient Chinese curse says “may you live in interesting times.” Interesting times were the frontier days. Or the Roaring 20s. Or watching men land on the moon.

These times are no more interesting than an oozing carbuncle the size of a ping-pong ball. These times are shit. These times are fucked up. Maybe these times are finally the end times. If so, maybe the grand finale will be this 4th of July. Wouldn’t that be special? What if some fist the size of the moon just came out of the clouds and punched the blue planet into cosmic dust? Would the other 8 care if there was one less sphere in the solar system?

Nope.

Maybe part of the earth’s remains would somehow survive the vacuum and cold of space and land on another sphere in a galaxy far-far away and re-seed it. If it did, that planet would also, at some point, be deserving of the mighty cosmic punch. That’s just how things work.

I’ve never been to China. And I never will. The list of places I want to see that are ahead of China preclude any possibility.

But I do like the food. And I like the fireworks. Been a fan of their pyrotechnics since I was knee high to a Ming vase.

Which is what this episode is mostly about.

There are shit-bags in this nation who want to outlaw the 4th of July. Who are they? They’re the same shit-bags who want to delete the 2nd amendment.

I guess they’re just afraid of things that go BANG!

Fuck ’em.

Here are images of things that went bang in my youth. Chinese firecrackers.

The Black Cat was most common. What does a cat have to do with fireworks? Damned if I know. But the packaging is great.

Below is da BOMB. What does a radio tower have to do with fireworks? Ya got me. But something about this image hints that Godzilla is just over the hill, coming for a gazillion ampere snack.

Lastly, the Black Jack pirate. Which does have something to do with fireworks, because Pirates did have cannons and flintlock pistols and did blow shit up.

Back to the Karens and cretins. If they’re not trying to fuck up our fun, they’re insulting us with their tweets. Like this one.

Are Americans really this stupid? Does someone who can pay rent on or purchase a home need to be told not to BBQ inside that home? Ditto for camping/pitching a tent and buying / leasing an RV?

This 4th of July, blow something up.

For you.

For me.

For America.