Truth lives at That LARRY SHOW, a weekly sojourn at the crossroads of madness and enlightenment. With LARRY in your life, you'll Take No Sh*t, and laugh your way to victory.
When Jesus comes back, will he be pissed off? ▲ What will be be – a bus driver? Hedge fund billionaire? A hacker? A pointy chick? ▲ How many Twitter followers will he need to save the world? ▲ Will he be de-platformed for hate speech? (He used it) ▲ How to spot counterfeit Jesus (there are many) ▲ How will they crucify him this time? ▲ All this and more in Sinners’ Sunday #61
Is there a cult in YOUR future? ■ How to signal cult recruiters that you’re ready for abuse, deprivation and enslavement ■ How to start your own cult ■ Cult management – solo or with partners? ■ Name changes – the dumber the better ■ Wardrobe choices – velour Tuxedos or saffron robes? ■ Cult revenue streams, from tacky branded apparel to really shitty music ■ All this and more in episode 199!
LEAD, FOLLOW OR GET OUT OF THE WAY. A stupid trope – a meme frequently seen on the desks of hard-charging managers all over corporate America. It should have this expository text: I AM AN EGO-MANIAC AND A COMPLETE ASSHOLE.
In Los Angeles, that meme could be cut to a single word. FOLLOW. This is the land of Follow…The Grifter / Psychotic / Serial-killer / Phony Father-Figure-Holy-Man / Alien from Another Dimension / Reformed Pimp. And after the follow, fuck his brains out. The number of cults in LA is staggering. Why is LA to cults what Milwaukee was to beer? In a word… Hollywood.
Take any given idiot anywhere in the country – even in the world (are you listening, A-h-h-hnold?) who looks at his or her reflection in the morning and sees a decent jawline augmented by zero prospects in life, and that person will find a way to get to Hollywood. 63% of them wind up in insurance or real-estate. The remainder join cults. What kind of cults? Sex cults, drug cults, religious cults, political cults, occult cults, UFO cults, business cults, video-game cults, life-coaching cults, car cults, celebrity-worship cults, dietary cults, comet cults, death cults, Yatzee cults, the Communist Party … there’s a cult for everything. Leaders and followers. Which reminds me of another trope seen at zillions of offices AND at peak performance cult gatherings – Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes. The followers are just fine with having their nose pressed to Maximum Leader’s ass because that sphincter gives them something they cannot acquire on their own. Direction. Instead of depicting of the leader of any given cult, there should be a close-up of his or her asshole.That would be truth in propaganda.
“Join us, and follow this asshole. No, literally!”
The first commandment of every cult is obey.Wake up, go to sleep, eat, kneel, stand, sit, work, bend-over. A lot of people really, really crave that level of intense and constant direction. Why is that? Maybe it makes them feel good. They say those Isis fucktards join that shit-show because they’re all directionless mopes and Isis is big, dictatorial Daddy. Did all those goose-stepping idiots enjoy being screamed at by the Little Corporal? Of course they did. Remember those assholes in 3rd grade who would do stupid shit so the teacher would yell at them? Same thing.
“Somebody loves me enough to tell me what to do.”
Tony Alamo was kind of like that. Unlike many cult leaders, Tony didn’t just offer paternal protection; his wife, Susie, would also mother the followers. So they got Mommy and Daddy. It worked great until Susie died. Then Tony went apeshit.
But it was a hell of a ride. For a while there, Tony was minting money. At his Arkansas sweat shop, the Tony Alamo Christian Ministry manufactured incredibly garish custom jean jackets. Some people love them. I think they could make a pig puke, but what do I know? Back in the day, Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton wore them. Now, Miley Cyrus
and Nikki Minaj rock them.
You can snatch one off Ebay for around a grand. That’s a lot of jing for used denim and Rhinestones and airbrush artwork that looks purloined from Lowrider Magazine.
I find cults not only fascinating really, really REALLY funny– no matter how evil. Few things are more ridiculous looking than a Nazi uniform – the jackboots, the belt across the chest, the goofy skulls and monocles. The Scientologist get-ups are funny, too. All that quasi nautical shit – shoulder ropes and crisp little caps and rhodium plated crap that says Sea-org. Watching Tom Cruise salute David Miscavige might be the funniest 7 seconds of video ever recorded. Maybe I’ll do Scientology next, but those guys still worry me.
The late Harlan Ellison – a take-no-shit guy who sued the studios for ripping him off on The Terminator, claims to have been in the room the night L. Ron Hubbard proclaimed he was going to get sick-rich by founding a nutty religion. I believe Harlan.
I’ve done a number of shows on cults – Manson’s cult, some small time religious cults. But Tony was one damn funny guy. When I stumbled on his story, his look reminded me of a character that was part of Andy Kaufman’s act – Tony Clifton.
Tony Clifton was this obnoxious lounge singer locked in the 70’s. He wore velour tuxedos and gold-framed shades and ruffled shirts. And he would often get in fights with hecklers and tell them to fuck off. I LOVED Tony Clifton. Some say Andy was Tony, some say Tony was played by Kaufman’s pal Bob Zmuda. Nobody seems certain. Andy Kaufman was a genius. There are damn few of those.
TACM chick.
Another endearing facet about Tony: Once his beloved but awfully plain Susie was dead, Tony upgraded his choices in female companionship. Just compare this mouth watering blonde…
Gonorrhea-faced Manson skanks
…to the gonorrhea-faced Manson chicks. Of course, Charlie was nearly a midget. Tony was a big, robust dude. And that hair. Sculpted hair beats the follicles off those mangy, greasy hippie styles. And lastly, Tony did have Jesus on his side.
Maybe in his own crazy way, Tony was a prophet. The name he chose for himself turned out to be more prescient than he ever imagined. Maybe right now in Europe, there’s some French kook in a velvet Tux re-branding himself Tony Waterloo. I fucking hope so. I really do.
The SECRET WORD Kamala Harris used to flip Joe Biden ■ The words other people use to try to control you ■ Why are you at a disadvantage during any dialog with a large corporation or the government? ■ Ways customer service people can screw you ■ 2 types of customer service people – how to ID them and deal with them ■
The French have a phrase: L’esprit de l’escalier, and the literal translation is something like, “I said it on the staircase” – in other words, your snappy retort or withering comeback to some verbal assault was expressed to the banister on that staircase, rather than the face of the douche bag who just insulted you.
We’ve all experienced that. And the smug prick who just sucker-punched you is feeling quite pleased with him or herself. But they should not be. Because 9 out of 10 times, their zing to you was premeditated – often rehearsed – maybe for days or week in advance, and your answer was a true ad lib. Which may be why fuck you is the great all-purpose retort.
When you research many of the world’s most beloved comebacks, quite often they were never said, or were muttered on that staircase or maybe even weeks later and time zones away from the scene of the bushwhacking.
What made me decide to explore Verbal Judo was a two things – a contentious call with a receptionist at Moose’s veterinary clinic (Moose is the official and epilepsy-afflicted guard dog of the Take No Shit Dojo.) The other impetus was the now famous – at least until next debate – sand bagging of Hairplug Joe Biden by the razor-toothed California senator, Kamala Harris.
As a kid in Queens NY, I participated in many, many rock fights. Yes, you read that correctly – rock fights. The streets were a mess then, so potholes in the crumbling asphalt supplied endless ammo. In winter we had to use snowballs. If we were smart in autumn, we’d squirrel away some rocks to pack inside the snowballs.
One of the oldest tricks was throwing – from some distance – a high, arcing rock – and while the target is watching that projectile, you fire a second, line drive stone at him that he never sees coming. Was there blood? Sometimes. They were rocks, not spitballs. But no one ever really got mad. It was a game. Nobody forced anyone to participate. If you got hurt, too bad.
That rock fight fake-out is exactly what Harris did to Biden. Maybe it should be called the Reverse Marc Antony play. “I come not to praise Caesar, but to bury him.” She started off by proclaiming Biden was not a racist. She even complimented him. He smiled warmly in her direction. And then she proceeded to fire the torpedo, telling Biden why he was indeed a racist, and a “hurtful” one at that.
The look on Biden’s face as he realized he had been sandbagged was priceless.
Within a week, Biden was defending her from somebody else’s accusations. Politics makes strange bedfellows. Maybe old Joe is hot for her and has a kinky streak. Please ma’am, may I have another?
99% of politicians – regardless of party – are horrible people. Devoid of talent, all they can do is take bows for things they never achieved and promise to do things they have no intention of accomplishing. Somebody said, anyone who seeks power should never be given it. Truer words…
If you’re breathing, you’ve probably heard dozens of talking heads analyze the Biden – Harris exchange. But I suspect (hope) no one has done so as I have. This election cycle is going to be a hoot. And now that early on the bar has been set at the level of trench warfare, look forward to lots more eye-gouges, kidney punches and low blows. It’s gonna be FUN!
The can’t fail, no side-effects anti-depressant JC used (and you can too) ■Why was JC bummed out before he fed the multitudes? ■ Why JC was not a rock star ■ How did the apostles almost cancel the feeding of the multitudes? ■ Did JC manifest toxic masculinity at the feeding of the multitudes? ■ How did the fishes and loaves spark a party?
How Bleeding Jesus Freddie’s Death Bomb nearly killed Larry, Tony Spumonte and Freddie ■ Larry’s throw-down with a Frenchman in Tahiti ■ The sword that made Germany lose WWll ■ How England kicked its own ass in the War for Independence ■ What is America’s secret of success? (You’ll never guess) ■ How did Larry’s law-abiding Dad score illegal fireworks? ■ All this and more in this explosive episode!
I dig the 4th of July. I dig Fireworks. I dig… America.
This episode is about all of the above. And a certain 4th of July I celebrated back on Long Island some time ago. And the infamous Death Bomb.
Almost every time I write these show notes, I think of something I wish I had said in the show. Maybe that’s why I say it here.
Fireworks are a guy thing. Guys love to blow shit up. Make things go boom and bang. And the continued assault on fireworks is an extension of the war on men. There’s no doubt about it. All I see at this time of year are Facebook and Twitter posts from angry females (and males with women’s heads) – bitching about fireworks. And they almost always contain this phrase “ leave it to the professionals!” Fuck them.
I bet if you had sex with any of those women, you would wish you had bedded a professional instead. Because they are all finger-wagging, fun-loathing, uptight, pissed off creatures whose sole mission in life is to make life… a living death. No bad words, no loud noises, no booze, no BBQ, no dirty jokes, just sit at your desk with your hands folded and stare straight ahead and take your medication, you obstreperous, childish male. Nurse Ratchets – that’s what they are. They should be thrown in the Piss Tank. What’s the Piss tank? I explained it fully in a prior episode. When I pinpoint it, I’ll let you know here.
Part of the fun of fireworks is the packaging. The Chinese artwork is almost as loud as the explosions. And I love it, Check these out.
Happy 4th of July. Destroy all Commies. God Bless America.
What are verbal knuckle-balls? ■ How are ordinary words weaponized? ■ Who is weaponzing words? ■ How is academia dumbing down America? ■ What recording should be on your phone as an auto-response to anyone who says,“I’m offended?” ■ What is the first tenet of every dojo? ■ What constitutes a real crisis? ■ Once you hear this episode, you’ll never listen to pols the same way again!
How Larry was mind-controlled – multiple times! ◘ Turn on, tune in, drop out ◘ Operation Midnight Climax – Govt. sponsored sex, drugs and suicide ◘ Did Bill Cosby learn his doping techniques from the CIA? ◘ The CIA’s dancing dogs ◘ What do Jack Ruby and the Las Vegas shooter have in common? ◘ The Sheriff who became an FBI zombie ◘ All this and more in this drug-soaked, mind-bending episode!
Government is mob rule, folks. Now more than ever, when one in four jobs is gubmnt or gubmnt-related. That’s the ultimate mob.
What happens when a bunch of clowns with guaranteed jobs and immunity from lawsuit or prosecution and zero oversight by anyone get together and start to dream up things to do?
MK Ultra. Or as it should be more accurately called – Bill Cosby On Steroids.
MK Ultra was the CIA’s mind control initiative from the 1950’s. And the best way they could figure to control somebody’s mind was to dose them heavily with LSD and then just sit back and observe / laugh. If the people they dosed had agreed and consented, that would be one thing. But scads of them were dosed without their knowledge or consent. Many of them freaked out – one jumped out a window and got dead. Not one of those CIA guys was held accountable in any way. Not even put in the corner for an hour to think about his misdeeds. Which begs the question, why is Bill Cosby doing time? Maybe his lawyers never thought of the MK Ultra defense. Or maybe Cosby, depsite his enormous wealth, is not part of the biggest protected class of all, gubmnt.
So imaginative (and horny) were these gubmnt employees, they cooked up a project called Operation Midnight Climax.They paid hookers to dose johns with acid and then watched the action through a two -way mirror. One wonders how they detailed this in their expense reports. Besides the $$ for the whores and 2-way mirrors and meals and taxis and folding chairs, did our tax dollars pay for the Kleenex they splooged into as they watched and jacked themselves off?
Gubmnt.
The whole mind control thing is fascinating. Some say Lee Harvey Oswald was a mind-controlled drone. Could be. Lee said he was a “patsy.” Ask any homicide detective how many times he’s heard a murder suspect call himself a “patsy.” Answer: never. It’s just not something someone would say when denying a killing. Maybe “you got the wrong guy,” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” but… “I’m just a patsy?” That’s fresh… and worth further investigation.
Here’s Lee claiming he’s a patsy.
Here’s Lee being gut-shot by Jack Ruby.
Stephen Paddock, who killed over 58 and wounded 422 in Las Vegas, might have been some kind of mind controlled zombie. Nothing about that atrocity added up. Nothing. The details could fill volumes, so instead, just watch some of this video of the Sheriff (badge and uniform) and his FBI handler – the guy standing to the Sheriff’s left – the guy boring holes into the Sheriff’s skull with his eyes. That video does not reveal Paddock’s motive. But it declares one thing as certain as the day is long: there was gubmnt fuckery afoot.
What style is YOUR God? Vindictive? Prankster? Delegator? Out To Lunch?■ Does God forgive horrible people? ■ Why is Satan represented by a goat? ■ How is religion a lot like sports? ■ Which God team has the most fabulous uniforms? ■ Why people worshipers are stupid ■ All this and more in Sinners’ Sunday #59!
Hear the greatest prank call of all time! ■ O.J.’s 4 secrets to a great life ■ How O.J. launched the Kardashian Empire ■ Why there can never be another star as big as O.J.. ■ How O.J. saved Los Angeles ■ The curse of O.J., and its victims ■ The Dream Team – where are they now? ■ How O.J. became an industry
How close can you be to the most famous murder in history? It varies. A lot. I dined more than once at Mezzaluna,
Mezzaluna, site of the last supper for Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman.
the restaurant where Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman were last seen alive. (The location was most recently a Peet’s coffee joint, but that failed. Maybe the land is cursed.
In a macabre twist, Mezzaluna is a type of kitchen knife, like this:
The murder weapon was never found, but forensics guys figured it to be something like this:
Ron’s father, Fred, must have worked or lived somewhere in my vicinity. On several occasions, I saw him crawling in rush hour traffic on the 101 Ventura Freeway. He looked like the saddest man on earth.
Fred Goldman, circa 1995
I once saw OJ at La Guardia Airport. He was a big guy, but small for a football player. People swarmed him like he was a rock star.
I visited the murder site.
It was a short walk from my office in the Westwood area of LA. It was only a day or two after. Some of the blood had been mopped up, but there was still plenty caked in the grout. The bodies had beeen removed.
One of my listeners, Rich, tells me he lives near Nicole Brown Simpson’s grave. When he shoots a picture, I’ll post it here.
A few months before the murders, LA was pounded by an incredible earthquake. My home was knocked off its footings. The TV was thrown across the room. The violence of the temblor – especially the vertical motion – was beyond belief. It only lasted around 45 seconds, but it knocked Los Angeles off its footings, too.
I had no power in my home for several days and no water for about a week.
The worst thing about quakes is the aftershocks. They continued for many days with no predictability of timing, duration or intensity. Why clean up the house if at any moment, it might be pounded again? I’ll have to do a show on the quake, but where I’m going with this is – in a weird way – OJ was exactly what Los Angeles needed. A massive distraction. With the Northridge earthquake, LA had lived through a real-life disaster movie. The OJ simpson media circus was the comic relief.
For well over a year, Los Angeles was able to forget about the depressed economy, the homes upside down on their mortgages, the raging unemployment – and focus on the nicest guy in the world turned double murderer. When the cameras were not on the relatives of the victims, it was the funniest show ever put on TV. Ever.
Now, a quarter century later, OJ is still providing laughs. Clearly, he loves the limelight, so he just started tweeting. As of this writing, he has 750,000 Twitter followers, growing at about 30,000 per day.
At first glance, one might think, “Wow. He’s still popular.” Until you look at the Tweets.
OJ is nothing if not resilient. But I’m not certain even he can withstand the level of abuse and revulsion he’s getting via Twitter.
Was OJ guilty? It sure looked that way. Do I care? Not in the slightest. The American court system is catastrophically fucked. Anyone who denies this is delusional. (It’s terrifying how many D.A.s deny this fact. At least they could cop to the truth.)
Was OJ all bad? Again, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass. Never met the guy, probably never will. But he has some standout qualities that all of us can emulate and deploy for our own betterment.
Love him or hate him, a weaker, less disciplined person would have folded long ago. So he must know something about survival. I’ve studied OJ for a long time, and I’ve figured out the four secrets that have kept him not only alive, but enjoying life – after all these years.
Is a rubber mallet a good murder weapon? ♠ How many times should you strike an intruder – for your safety? ♠ Was Larry’s dad a mystic ninja? ♠ What’s job #1 for all fathers? ♠ Which childhood game best prepares you for hunting/combat? ♠ What animal has biological avionics no aircraft will ever match? ♠ Besides gloves, what should you wear when killing an intruder – (for your safety)? ♠ What should you give your dad this Father’s Day?
for around a grand. That’s a lot of jing for used denim and Rhinestones and airbrush artwork that looks purloined from 
