That LARRY SHOW

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Listen with the kids – this episode is G-rated • 3 classic Christmas tales for your yuletide listening pleasure  • The real meaning of “recreation” • How to get your kid on no matter how old you are • Story time at the TNS Dojo on a cold, snowy night – wear your onesie • Merry Christmas

What can you say about Christmas? It’s for kids. And adults. It’s for everybody. But on different levels. An allegory.

The first episode of this show (Dec 2016) was a Christmas episode. I called it the Holiday Survival Guide. Because if we’re not careful, the holidays can beat us senseless. It’s all about managing expectations. Raise them too high and disappointment is a lead-pipe cinch. Keep them attainable, and you might have a great time.

Until we’re around age 12, Christmas is the hap-hap-happiest time of the year. If you’re over 21 and still think so, you’ve either got brain damage or have achieved spiritual perfection. If it’s the latter,  do not pass Bethlehem. Do not collect Frankincense and Myrrh. Go directly to paradise, amen I say unto you… baby.

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. Since I was around 18 or 19, I’ve saved one copy of every Christmas card I ever sent. This one was from around age 25.

 

 

 

 

Here’s this year’s. Don’t misconstrue, I still want the age 25 version. But my wife and kids might take a dim view of it. At the same time, the current Christmas card has always been part of it as well. How do you spell d-i-c-h-o-t-o-m-y?

Last year’s Christmas show was from the 25 year-old me. Snarky. Wise ass. Caustic. I officiated at Charlie Brown’s suicide and sang his sorry  ass into the next world. That I do not regret. I never liked that neurotic little drip. He had zero to complain about, but complain was all he did. He needed to be bitch – slapped. Hard.  His life was a boat-ride, but he acted as if he was behind  barbed wire at Dachau. What a little asshole.

This Christmas, I decided to do something very different. Since I started this endeavor, listeners have been telling me, Larry read us a bedtime story! Here they are. Not a bedtime story… 3 bedtime stories. Especially curated (I hate that word) for long-time listeners who are family folks or plan on being such one day… or maybe want to re-capture the feeling of being a kid at Christmas. 3 stories. 3 different feels. All rooted in the same 2,017 year- old event.

It’s astonishing how little some people know about Christmas. They don’t know there was a prick king (isn’t that a Thai dish?) named Herod who put out a contract on a baby. That astrology figured into it in a big,  big way. That 3 wise guys got wind of the plan to snuff their asses so they took a circuitous route home to avoid Herod’s button men. The real story of Christmas reads like a  Mario Puzo novel. But who knows that? For FAQ, check the New Testament.

So this Christmas, I wish you… what?

First, peace. If you put your head on the pillow and anxieties have you vibrating like A 440, that’s no good. Peace.

Next… health. Without health, life is grim. A constant struggle.

Lastly – believe it or not, I wish you love. With sufficient doses of love, lack of peace and/or health can be overcome. It’s true. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

There are but 6 shopping days until Christmas. If that factoid is of some import to you, you’ve landed on the wrong podcast. If you dismiss that intel with the back of your hand, you’re in the right place.

Each year, as Christmas draws near,  la familia and I watch 3 movies.

1) Christmas Vacation.  In many ways, I am Clark Griswold, but shorter and nastier. (Chevy Chase is 6’5″. I’m a paltry 6′)

2) It’s A Wonderful Life. My wife turned me on to this flick. Jimmy Stewart was the most underrated actor in the history of Hollywood. If you dispute this, watch him at the railroad station.

3) A Christmas Carol. There are multiple screen versions of this Dickens classic. My all-time favorite is the George C. Scott version. The single best movie to view on Christmas Eve. (If movie watching is on your agenda. It need not be.)

Email me at thatlarryshow@gmail.com.

Usually, I end these epistles with plugs for Patreon and t-shirts.

Not tonight.

Merry Christmas.

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SCANDAL CLAUS – Larry’s musical uppercut to icons destroyed by sexual misconduct • Why Larry needs YOUR help – NOW! • How social media may wreck mankind • Larry attends a Christmas parade in 83 degree heat • Facing your Ghosts of Christmas Past • Why Bethlehem is L.A.’s twin city • Why all gifts are crap • The TNS Dojo 2018 Tour – why it MUST happen • All this and MORE!

Can you believe it? An entire year has elapsed since I helped Charlie Brown into a warm tub, handed him a fatal dose of Nembutal and sang him into eternity.

So it’s only fitting that on this momentous occasion, I again use music to demolish more not- so sacred cows, like Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey Matt Lauer, Al Franken, Louis CK et al. If I could, I’d pin their pajama sleeves to the outside of their blankets for the rest of their dirty little wanker lives.

Instead, I wrote and performed my own scathing song for these creepy, groping miscreants –  SCANDAL CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN. So click this link and listen and watch the video and then share it with the world.

Help make this go viral so I can schedule the TNS DOJO 2018 World Tour. I must make this happen, but I cannot do it alone. Share this video link with every one you know – especially Twitter friends with jillions of followers. Or AM radio DJs, or big time bloggers or other podcasters (who are not punks or pukes). Because all it takes is one of them to endorse and retweet and ka-boom — the tour will happen.

You have to do it NOW – December 26 is too late.

Couple of big things coming your way. 1) My year end GOSS BOMB. What is it? Well, if you think you know everything about those other podcasts that resulted in that $20 million lolsuit — you don’t. So stay tuned – I’ll post that juicy episode  ( Patreon only) in a few short days.

Next Tuesday, December 19 will be the official Christmas episode. Something very different – so different that you can listen with your kids. I won’t use even one bad word, I promise.

Email me at thatlarryshow@gmail.com

Voice mail me at 302-71-larry.

Swing by iTunes and give the show a 5-star review.

And most of all — share the crap out of this link and make Scandal Claus a viral phenomenon.

 

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The EASY secret to NEVER being a victim  — on the street, at work, in business.   How corporations try to victimize you and how to beat them.  How to avoid street crime. How to turn the tables on predators. EXPOSED: sneaky ways other try to victimize you. How to de-program yourself — and why that will make you dangerous. All this and MORE!!!

Christmas is coming and this is only the beginning of my Santa schtick.

At every turn there’s another punk  trying to pick your pocket or manage you or lay a guilt trip on you or in some way exert power over you. In this episode, you’ll discover the secrets of not only defeating these punks, but rendering your self invulnerable to their assaults.

Don’t believe me? Check out this testimonial from a listener :

And this  ^^^^^^^^^  from one who has YET TO HEAR THIS EPISODE!

You’ll wish you had heard this back in 5th grade. But it’s not too late —  wisdom has no freshness date.

Click here and NEVER BE A VICTIM AGAIN!

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A woman forces Larry to dance and tries to drown him in vomit • Larry is sexually harassed (again!) at the company holiday party • Gifts that say  “I like you… sorta” • How to attend  (but not attend) holiday parties •  How getting religion can get you out of an awkward Christmas dinner • When the box is more important than the gift • Your PRE-HOLIDAY primer – listen or suffer – the choice is yours!

This show is as inextricably linked with Christmas as Jesus and Santa Claus. For it was almost one year ago, on a dry and windy Los Angeles night, that That Larry Show was born. And it came into this world mocking cheesy paens to Christmas like the worst Christmas song ever recorded, John Lennon’s hideous dirge, “Happy Xmas (War is Over).” How could any song with parentheses in the title not suck? Not to mention a kiddie choir with too much treble.

Next I put Charlie Brown in a warm tub, gave him a fist full of Nembutal and crooned him into the big sleep. No regrets there either. I never liked him. Never found him funny. That lame-ass cartoon was what I call chuckle-humor. Never a belly-laugh. Just polite, low-volume, low-octane chuckles. But not from me. I never chuckle. I either laugh till I puke or I remain silent. No gray areas in humor. Chuckle humor is like political humor. Unfunny. And unfunny comedians are called “humorists,” ever notice that?

But that was then and this is now. Here we are nearly a year later, but a smidge too early for my official Christmas Show, but this one is a powerful prelude.

Here, you will learn why working in sales can really suck and sometimes no amount of money is sufficient for what is asked of us. You’ll also discover why you should always stay several paces from an angry woman with a belly full of vodka and hors d’oeuvres. You’ll learn how to shop for a new girlfriend and deflect pressure to commit – even a little.

Why do women wield the word “commit” like a mini gun? When I hear that word, I want to commit – seppuku. 

But I’m drifting here. This is the Pre-Holiday Lock ‘n’ Load episode and it’s everything you need to prep you for the holidays.

You also need to hear the latest Bonus Episode – “How NOT to be a Victim.” It will help you avoid commitment and ultimately, seppuku.  Listen here.

That should keep you busy and safe until next Tuesday.

Write to me at thatlarryshow@gmail.com.

Or sing me a song or complain or tell me your sickest secret at 302-71-larry.

Follow the show on Twitter

And Facebook

 

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How Charlie acquired a 35 – woman harem – and you can too! • When America hoped Manson would kill Geraldo Rivera • What makes a Manson chick a Manson chick • Why Ted Kennedy & Charles Manson were similar • Why Elizabeth Warren could be a Manson chick • Why Charles Manson was the rock star of psycho killers • What is the Manson challenge and are  you up for it? How Hollywood triggered Charles Manson • All this and MORE!

America needs bogey men and Charlie Manson was the top. Someone we could hate. Someone we could abuse. Someone we could reference when Hitler was worn out. Best of all, every now and then – for damn near FIFTY YEARS… we’d get to rediscover Charlie at parole hearings. We’d wheel him out like Quasimodo and throw rotten fruit and spit on him with no regrets. He truly was the gift that kept on giving. And now he’s gone. We should have cooked up a LinkedIn profile for him while he was still breathing. Maybe we could have found a replacement.

Heroes are a dime a dozen. And they’re boring. They do their good deed, then recount it for the media, then they say “anybody wudda done wat I did” and most of us think… damn straight… and go pour ourselves another bowl of Wheaties.

And another thing about heros. These days, “hero” is the most elastic word in the dictionary. A hero is somebody who simply doesn’t do something heinous. A  movie usher helps a lost toddler find his mom, instead of pushing the toddler off the balcony… and he’s a hero. Face it, we’re all sick of ersatz heroes.

We actually prefer villains. We all stack up as sterling citizens next to a scurrilous villain, don’t we? Comparisons are so much easier.

We need a heavy. We need a whipping boy. We need a monster. Kim Jong Un? Too remote. Kim Kardashian? Too accessible. Where in hell are we going to find a villain of Charles Manson’s stature? He was the perfect sized villain, because at 5’2″, we all figured we could throttle him with both hands tied behind our backs.

He left behind a hell of a legacy and that’s what this episode is a about – a man and his minions – the Manson Family.  Even his schtick was unique. Did Jeff Dahmer or John Wayne Gacy have zombie-like families who would murder on command? Does OJ? You see what I’m getting at here? We had the Rolls Royce of psycho killers for damn near a half century. Replacing him won’t be easy. We’d better get busy.

Join the Patreon Dojo here.

Follow the show on Twitter here.

Write to us here: thatlarryshow@gmail.com

And click that damn subscribe by email button above and to the right. And if you don’t get a confirmation email, check your spam folder.

And oh yeah, if you listen on iTunes, throw the show a 5-star review. You know damn well there’s nothing like it anywhere else. It’s the least you can do for all the joy I bring into your life.

See you next Tuesday.

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Charles Manson’s Thanksgiving tips • How Thanksgiving can kill you •  Coming soon: the Amazon Thanksgiving Day Parade • Death Football: the only kind Larry will watch • Why is Thanksgiving dinner 30 – minutes shorter this year? • Live leaked recording of a Thanksgiving stabbing • How to protect yourself from a crappy Thanksgiving • Larry’s can’t miss side-dishes • All this and MORE in this MUST LISTEN HOLIDAY CLASSIC!

Here we go again. In two days we’re expected to gorge ourselves and then drift into a food coma as Christmas songs play on a continuous loop on Pandora, Spotify or that crappy FM station where no human being has set foot in years. Robo radio. Robo food. Robo relatives. Robo conversation. Robo snap. Pass the mashed potatoes and the Black Talon ammo, please.

Beware – it can happen anywhere and anytime.

What the hell happened to Thanksgiving? How can it be restored to its former glory as THE great American holiday? Because for years, it’s been nothing but a door stop for Black Friday. And what a pathetic day that is.

But there is hope. In this episode, you’ll hear a prelude to a snap and then an actual snap when one unhappy Pilgrim grabs a knife and carves – his fellow diners.

Discover a metaphysical exercise that can deliver you from any unpleasant scene to the paradise of your choosing – without the aid of psychedelics.

What’s my dream Thanksgiving? I’ve experienced the full spectrum – from warm and fuzzy familial perfection to the solitary misery of a pariah. But this year I want to have fun. For an idea of what kind of fun, click this link.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItdVLbl6_ng

Pointy chix await.

Join the Patreon now and learn how to Never Be a Victim – our next kick ass bonus episode.

Drop us a line at thatlarryshow@gmail.com and tell me how your Thanksgiving went.

Don’t forget to click the subscribe by email button. Its free and you’ll never miss an episode.

Remember – you don’t have to eat the Brussels Sprouts. I said so, and I’m the TNS Dojo sensi.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Why mankind is doomed • Who is to blame? • Why Hollywood is a sewer • Find out what Larry knows about 2 guys on the Hollywood Shame List • Why Louis CK is an unfunny turd • What you can and cannot say while flirting • SHAME STOPPERS – Larry’s new Shark Tank business you’ll want to invest in • Sex robots: are they the answer? • Discover who is on Larry’s hit list • All this and more!!!

I could write more. Lots more. But with a thumbnail this enticing, what the hell for?

What is Hollywood? Hollywood is Sodom and Gomorrah reverse engineered. Here we are 4,000 years later, and Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby  and Kevin Spacey are going to get us all killed. Every 0ne of those talent-less putzes is sick rich, but would they spring for a hooker like salaried conventioneers in Vegas? No. Those fat, phony phreaks had to extort and drug and coerce people to have sex with them. And now look what’s happening. Regular guys can’t so much as ask a girl to dance or compliment her shoes without risking jail time.

By the way, what’s faker than Kevin Spacey’s toupee? I watched the first 10 minutes of House of Cards and shut it off, because I could not bear to view Kevin’s skull carpet. Really, no lie. I find it offensive. Because plenty of other bald guys, like Ben Affleck and Burt Reynolds, have much more authentic looking  rugs than Kevin’s. What the hell’s the matter with that guy?

I never, ever liked Bill Cosby. Never found him funny. Richard Pryor – funny. Chris Rock – funny. Eddie Murphy – funny. Bill Cosby – not funny and pompous. And speaking of not funny, nobody is more not funny than Louis CK. He really bugs me. When I look at him, I see Charlie Brown in middle age. A twisted, roiling, blob of neuroses and syndromes, asking audiences to like him because he’s a loser. Well, Woody Allen and Rodney Dangerfield already rented that space, Louis, and they were funny. But you’re not. Here’s hoping you disappear and stay missing. Not because of your “sexual misconduct.” I don’t care of you like people watching you choke your John Thomas. I just don’t find you funny. Not even a little.

Like Lot, I was going to ask God to spare Los Angeles if I could find one just man, but that would be like finding a movie not rated R for retarded. It ain’t gonna happen. So I’m hauling my peeps the hell outta SoCal before the fire and brimstone starts to fly and I’ll watch Selfie City burn on the 6 o’clock news from my hillside perch in a small town far away where I’ll be clinging to my guns and religion.

Things are hopping at the TNS Dojo. We have two new sensies – Adam Nash for financial matters and Queen of Discipline Tess Lynch. (She’ll also be keeping order in the Facebook group.) Don’t piss her off. Her eyes can fry you in a nanosecond like the villains in Superman 2.

Now go join the Dojo here and start hanging with the best people on earth.

If you have a problem – any problem – email us at thatlarryshow@gmail.com and we’ll try to help you out.

By the way, I KNOW the day and time God will be destroying Southern California. But I’m only telling Patreonis.

See you next Tuesday.

 

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Trapped in a dark, rat-infested basement… how does Larry escape? • What to do when your idiot boss is a “company man” • How to identify (and avoid) company men • Tell-tale words that company men use • What job titles actually reveal about the job • When quitting is the only option • When and how to leave on bad terms •  How Larry got conned into a lousy part-time job • All this and MORE!!!

Why is work more odious than ever? Because of Kool-Aid guzzling, true-believer company men, that’s why. They need to be identified, rounded up and given helicopter rides to active volcanoes. They are the problem. And they are everywhere.

This episode begins with a listener’s dilemma. He’s just started a new job and enjoys it until he discovers his boss is a company man/boi/pinhead/puke-bag/pustule/cretin/ass-hat. One of those detestable ginks who is never satisfied merely by a job well – done – he wants his subordinates to dance and kiss ass. Well, Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey found out that’s a perilous way to comport oneself. Whether sexual favors or blood from a stone, people are getting fed up with assholes on power trips.

Once Larry dishes up the advice, come ride along with him on one of his many odd ball jobs. This one finds him trapped in a dark, rat-infested basement on Easter Sunday. The moral of the story? Some jobs just aren’t worth the money. And if you take the gig, be damn sure you get all you’re due – up front.

If you’re not a member of the TNS Dojo, you’ve missed a DOZEN kick ass bonus episodes. Join now and learn all the secrets of leading a Take No Sh*T life. Click here: patreoncom/thatlarryshow

Write to us with your troubles. We have testimonials from dozens of satisfied listeners that we know a f*ckton more about life than Dr. Phil, Oz or any of those TV frauds. Just be sure you can handle the truth because we don’t ever sugar coat anything. thatlarryshow@gmail.com.

You can also drop us a voice mail at 302-71-larry

And click the subscribe by email button on this page – that way you’ll never miss an episode. It’s free. What more could you want?

See you next Tuesday.

And stay out of the basement.

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3 car shopping rules that make YOU the winner • Tony Spumonte goes car shopping with Larry and together they take no sh*t • What to say and do the INSTANT you enter a dealership • How to negotiate the LOWEST price on any car • How to make monkeys out of sales managers • How to buy a used car and NEVER get a lemon • The best value in cars • If you EVER intend to buy a car, or negotiate a price, your NEED this episode!  Get it at patreon.com/thatlarryshow.

Last year there were over 56 million new and used cars sold in America. Sooner or later, you’ll be buying one yourself. The $5 fee to access to this episode will save you time, mistakes and hundreds, or  thousands of dollars. Guaranteed.

I know the immutable rules and proven methods that ensure you get the best deal on a car… and make the dealer hate your guts. Why must he hate your guts? Because if he doesn’t,  you’ve been screwed and you don’t even know it.

Most owners keep a car for six years. That’s a long damn time. Every time you drive, do you want to feel like a Take No Sh*t winner, secure in the knowledge that you cut the best deal possible? Or will you be haunted by the memory of being bullied by some polyester shirted goons who bent you over the fender and took your lunch money – several years worth of lunch money! The choice is yours. Get screwed or screw them. What’s it gonna be?!?!?!?!?

Car shopping is one of the most stressful events in life. You’re putting up big money for something that can either run well and bring you joy, or bleed you like 2-ton leech. If you listen here and take advantage of my hard-earned experience, you’ll drive away a winner.

Thank me at patreon.com/thatlarryshow and let me know about your car-buying experiences at thatlarryshow@gmail.com