That LARRY SHOW – Page 47 – Truth lives at That LARRY SHOW, a weekly sojourn at the crossroads of madness and enlightenment. With LARRY in your life, you'll Take No Sh*t, and laugh your way to victory.

Episode 49: Halloween With the Mob

Larry & Tony Spumonte visit Houdini’s grave – does Tony leave another body there? • How Larry saved Halloween – and you can too • Why Larry Trick or Treated at the Butcher • Larry’s 1st Halloween – what was his costume? • Screw VR – get Larry’s Wish Fulfillment Glasses absolutely free! (Listen for instructions) • All this a more!!!!

Hop in Tony Spumonte’s Coupe de Ville and take a ride with us. Where to? To the crossroads of Madness and Enlightenment where we’ll pick up Rod Serling and some pointy chick hitchers in crop tops, Daisy Dukes and 6-inch ankle straps. We’ll stop at a liquor store, grab a couple pints of Thunderbird and a fistful of Slim Jims. Then, it’s pedal to the metal on the Lost Highway until that 425 screams for mercy and fights back by shooting piston rods through the hood so far and so fast, they wind up impaling Han Solo’s retinas as he steers the Millennium Falcon through hyperspace. And we’ll laugh at his screams.

No, its late and I’m tired and this may be the very best episode ever. One Halloween Tony and I and our pointy girlfriends decided to visit Houdini’s grave. The mission was fueled by Entenmann’s cawfee cake and copious amounts of Amaretto and Sambucca. For real, every year on Halloween, certain idiots attempt to contact Houdini (he died on Halloween, 1926) at his graveside. Our arrival was not welcome. We may have triggered a murder, or at least a severe beating, and no regrets because the punk deserved it.

I also tell you how I saved Halloween and you can too, by eschewing (I’ve always wanted to use that word) all corporate operated spooky houses and theme parks and creating your own DIY Halloween kicks. How? Drag ass to a cemetery and poke around for a couple of hours. Visit that abandoned asylum at the edge of town. Scope out your creepy neighbor’s basement unannounced and discover why he wears rubber gloves when gardening. There’s creepy, scary crap everywhere and you need not pay Disney $125 for their candy ass, sissified, sanitized thrills and chills.

Or, you can build your own monster like I did. When my kid was a tot, we made a 6’7″ Frankenstein. Somewhere I have a hi-res color image of him, but like I said, it’s late and I’m too tired to dig it up so here’s one in glorious B&W from my book Mack Daddy. What’s Frankenstein doing with a carving knife and a severed head? Having a jolly good time, I’d say.

Each year, we re-skin him as whatever the hell we want. Here’s a link to a video of him as a killer clown. That year, not one pesky kid rang our bell requesting candy. Wonder why?

Join the Patreon here. Before month’s end, I’ll post a bonus episode on how I screwed over a car dealer (and you can, too!). The smartest $5 you’ll ever spend.

Follow the show on Twitter here.

Write to me here: thatlarryshow@gmail.com.

Happy Halloween. Sleep well as you dream of those push-rods embedded in Han Solo’s eyeballs, maybe so deep they punch through the back of his skull. Nite-nite.

Episode 48: HOT GOSS! Onstage & Backstage at Road Rage L.A.

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Larry roasts the ragers • An inside look at the L.A. Road Rage • The test that separates the cool from the creepy • What are Dick’s fans really like? • What really unites and divides us? • Dumped? Here’s what to do • Sick of “big leaguers?” Here’s how to flip them • All this and MORE!

Dickheads.

They came by land, sea and air from all over the world. And what a gathering it was. Lined up around the block. Six deep at the bar. An urgent request for additional bouncers by mid-show. This ain’t Seinfeld, folks. In fact, it didn’t even look like L.A. It was more like Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. People screaming, howling, barking. Beer flying. Dick Masterson’s relentless roar over the PA system… Shut the F**k up!

Mariachis, a stripper, twin blondes with bodies that make men crawl and beg, a warm up comic in a three piece suit. Asterios in a green Danskin. How do you spell depraved? Thorazine ceiling misters would not have helped.

And yours truly, there to tell a story about failure in the City of Failure. Instead I pulled a switcheroo and roasted Dick, Schegauwen, Asterios, Denzel, Kian, Layc, Peach… hell, I even burned down “the bunker.”

It was a night to remember. If anyone could. Alcoholic blackouts were rippling through the crowd. It could only have happened on Friday the 13th.

I was there for all of it and give you the insider’s view in this special episode.

Warm shout out to Melissa Young and Kristopher Chavez who heard my request for pix of me – thank you! Here’s a sampling… (And thank you to everyone I met at the show – you made it a blast for me!)

Been dumped? Sitting in your Barcalounger looking at your own heart smeared across the rug like cream cheese on a bagel? I’m America’s Dad. Listen to me and you’ll get through it. I take a listener through the process step-by step.

Being “big leagued” by some twit at work? I’ve got your fix for that too.

Email me at thatlarryshow@gmail.com

Join the Dojo at Patreon here:

Follow thatlarryshow on twitter.

Next Tuesday, TONY SPUMONTE RETURNS in a HALLOWEEN episode. Boo! Or should we say BANG! Tune in to find out. Don’t miss it. Or the upcoming bonus episode, “Attack of the Bubble People.”

Episode 47: Hefner’s Secrets, Vegas Intel, Shy Chix

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Larry meets Hef • Larry goes to the Playboy Mansion • Discover why Hef was a NERD and a CUCK and driven by RAGE • Larry meets his first Playboy Playmate (at 15!) • What’s really happening in Vegas post massacre? • View the tip of the bullsh*t-berg • How to deal with shy chix – and what makes them shy?

Other than catastrophes and natural disasters, we rarely recognize the milestones in our lives until we view them in the rear-view mirror. And so when I met my first Playboy cover girl at the Custom Car & Hot Rod Show and sustained one of my first shattered fantasies, I didn’t clearly understand it until many years later when I met the architect of that fantasy, Hugh Marston Hefner.

Hefner was to pornography what Steve Jobs was to computers. Except, when Jobs died, it didn’t signify the end of the computer industry. But Hefner’s passing was like a light – a soft red light in a window above a lonely, rain-slicked sidewalk – winking out, never to glow again. Because what every mouse clicking, phone thumbing, tablet stroking Pornhub visitor may or may or may not understand is that had there been no Hef, there would be no Pornhub. He was the Columbus, the Magellan, the Edison and the Neil Armstrong of naughty imagery. And now he’s gone. And no Pornhub users can ever say they view Pornhub “for the articles.” They, we and the NSA know exactly why they are there. Click, click, click. Ugggghhhh.

Hefner was an enigma and in this episode, the incongruities between his public persona and his true nature are illuminated as never before.

It’s been 10 days since the Las Vegas massacre and it may prove to generate more conspiracy theories than the JFK assassination or 9/11. We may never know the whole truth. We’re seeing a load of loose ends and contradictions. One of our own TNS Dojo senseis, Mike Honcho, a tip of the spear military operative, weighs in with his expert opinion on the ordnance used by scum bag shooter Stephen Paddock.

The New York Times calls him “Mr. Paddock.” They also called Charley “Mr. Manson” and probably gave Adolph the respect of “Mr. Hitler.” We don’t do that. We mock creeps in this dojo – unabashedly.

Next, a listener from the UK gets his answer about how to deal with a shy woman for whom he has the hots. To answer him, I had to query other senseis because I never dated a shy woman. Dating is arduous enough. Having to “draw somebody out” was additional work I refused to do. But it seems lots of guys dig shy chicks. Like Rocky Balboa. And Rory, from Great Britain.

The fame of this show is spreading far and wide. Check out this banging video posted by listener and Patrioni The Mighty Plantain. Not only does he hip the world to an adult beverage he favors, he does so while wrapped in a Take No Sh*T Dojo t-shirt in Gunfighter Black. He looks good. Damn good. Thanks for supporting the show and for the plug, Mr. Plantain! And everyone, please subscribe to his YouTube channel to know what’s worth drinking (and wearing) or not.

Get your own official TNS dojo shirt here.

Join thatlarryshow.com Patreon here. It’s the greatest group of people on earth. And follow the show on Twitter here.

See you next Tuesday. Or, if you’re anywhere near Los Angeles, get over to the Satellite in Silver Lake where I’ll be appearing this Friday, October 13 @ 8pm with Dick Masterson and his crew of comics, reprobates, hoodlum attorneys, Playboy model Layc Nicole, Schzeaughewn the V-neck wearing engineer and Christ knows who else. Probably midgets on unicycles with their heads on fire.

I’m supposed to do an exhibition of erotic karate. I’m pretty sure it will be a rodeo. Or at the very least, a milestone. I intend to recognize this one as it happens, or at least before I meet Hefner again.

Episode 46: Grieving Las Vegas

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If you ever listen to a single episode of this show… make it this one.

Thank you and God bless us all.

Bonus Episode 9: Five French Secrets of Fun

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Happy October.

This Bonus episode was supposed to post in September but here it is, a little bit late. Why? Let me relate to you an old Hollywood story about Ray Bradbury – who not only wrote some kick-ass science fiction, he wrote some kick-ass screenplays. Some studio suit was breaking Ray’s balls for a finished script by a certain Wednesday. And the suit kept nagging Bradbury with relentless phone messages and memos — Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday! And finally having enough (and taking no sh*t) Bradbury answered the impatient exec, “You want it Wednesday? Or you want it good!?!?!?”

You can’t rush screenplays, whiskey or Bonus episodes.

I went to France. And while there I saw many things and noticed many more. No matter where I was, the French seemed to be enjoying life more than we do here in the land of stress, arterial plaque and bruxism. The French don’t have squinchy expressions on their faces. They don’t get bent out of shape over meaningless crap. They smile more, laugh more, relax more. And one can only guess what else they do more when they close up shop every day between 2 and 4 pm and go home for a “nap.”

The French invented “pointy.” French chicks are the pointiest I’ve ever seen.

This episode will change your life. You don’t need Paxil or Adderall or Zoloft or therapy or Slim Fast or Pilates. You need only listen to these 24 minutes and 21 seconds of pure enlightenment and your life will improve… immediately.

I’ve distilled it to Five French Secrets of fun What could be easier?

If you’re already a Patreon Dojo member – this episode is for you. If you’ve been wondering, now’s the time to join.

5 simple things the French do that you can do that will make your life better.

The best things in life are free. But not this episode. However, it costs a lot less that a Paxil prescription. And the side effects are pure bliss.

Enjoy.

Or as they say, aimer la vie!

Episode 45: Murder at a Mob Bar

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Larry bartends for a murder victim • What was in Johnny Fontana’s notebook that made Larry hate government? • Who pulled guns on Larry, and why? • What Larry knows about Goodfellas that Scorsese doesn’t • What was behind the exit door at the mob bar? • Why did Larry sleep through college? • Will Larry reveal the secret of the world’s greatest burger? • How did Dave the Fence cure a cough? • All this and more in a spectacular new episode!

I never liked McDonald’s – not their robot-sh*t food, not their creepy clown mascot, not their commercials that pander to every demographic on earth, and especially, not the goofy, paper hat uniforms they make their employees wear. Oh, and I also hate McDonald’s because they would stop serving Egg McMuffins – the only palatable offering on the menu – after 11 am. (Do they still adhere to those breakfast hours? I don’t know. Haven’t set foot in one in years) It was as if Ray Kroc, who was one of the biggest pricks who ever lived – was finger wagging at all the hung-over night crawlers and late risers. No breakfast for you, sinners! Get your sorry asses out of bed at a decent hour and then we’ll see about breakfast!

While some college classmates of mine wore those degrading outfits for minimum wage under the sickly glow of the golden arches, I was slinging boiler-makers at Parliament, a bar owned by one Johnny Fontana – a wise guy I knew even before I met the fabulous Tony Spumonte. Why have I so often been an associate of organized crime figures? I’ve no idea. Maybe so all these years later, I could deliver to you, my beloved listeners, the best goddamn podcast there is. Period.

I learned more working at that bar than I did in college, that’s for sure. Like how not to get stabbed or my head blown off — although one night it nearly happened when some rival of Johnny’s shot out the windows Godfather-style. (We never even called the cops. Since no one was hit, it was considered a non-event. We just swept up the glass and continued the party.) How’s that for a safe-space, snowflakes?

At Parliament, I learned the secret recipe for the world’s best burger. I learned that you’re more likely to have a loaded gun stuck in your belly by a drunken cop than a drunken button-man. I learned to keep my mouth shut and pick my battles. Yesiree Bob, working at a mob-owned bar was dangerous, exciting and more educational than any institution of higher learning.

Bring me the Chancellor of Harvard. I guarantee anyone who survived working at Parliament Bar & Grill in Queens, New York knows more about life than any Ivy League hot house plant. I’d stake my life on it. In a way, I suppose I did.

Some who listen to this episode will shudder and be thankful they had conventional part-time jobs. Others will want to work at the Parliament. They must find a time machine, for the Parliament has been gone many years. But its ghosts live on – right here at the crossroads of madness and enlightenment.

Want even more secrets of a Take No Sh*t life? Go to Patreon and join the dojo. There you shall find rare nuggets of wisdom and access to episodes only Dojo members hear. Not to mention the fellowship of a fantastic crew of people. You’re probably dropping $100 a month on cable TV that you never watch. Dojo membership costs a fraction of that and never, ever disappoints.

Follow the show on Twitter here.

And get a TNS Dojo tee shirt here.

Email us your problem at thatlarryshow@gmail.com.

Or a voice mail at 302-71-larry

See you next Tuesday.

Episode 44: AUTUMN SPECIAL/How to Fix a Busted Heart

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Triage/first aid for a busted heart • How to armor yourself emotionally • How to get over a bad romance – fast • How to win the games females play • The season that may force Larry to leave So Cal • How Larry’s autumn leaf burnings caused the establishment of the EPA • How to make yard work fun with DIY pyrotechnics • The (now) banned story that made Larry fall in love with autumn • All this and more in the AUTUMN SPECIAL Episode!!

Autumn. The season so special, it has two names. But then, so did Son of Sam, aka The .44 Caliber Killer. Nonetheless, no time of year can match Autumn. It’s the season that works all our senses like some sloe-eyed odalisque in a Parisian bordello, determined to take everything from us in a single night, including our souls.

Autumn isn’t just the most female of seasons, she’s a slinky cougar with a skill set no fresh -faced ingénue can match. She’s got some laugh lines and crow’s feet. But before you can inspect them, she’ll dazzle you with colors no palette could hold. While you squint and gawk, she’ll fling a cold wind at your neck, forcing you into her arms and once there, you’re finished. The scents of cider and burning leaves and gutted pumpkins soothe and intoxicate. Your senses reel and you stumble and collapse upon her velvet divan where she whispers promises she’ll never keep. When you awaken in the morning, it’s winter and all is lost. But it was worth it for what she did to you last night.

Autumn is a bitch – but don’t we love bitches? Of course we do, which is why the first part of this episode is my love letter to the sneaky bitch of a season who lures us in September with warm, sepia toned afternoons and boots us out into a cold, dark alley late in December.

My perennial affair with Madame Autumn began with a children’s story that was a staple in Sunday newspapers for most of a century. It was the drawing that grabbed me, as I was too young to read when I first saw these images, which always accompanied the story.

Now, this innocent children’s tale has been banned by Thought Police. In this episode, hear the old man in the illustration give his side of the story.

Then it’s on to a real-life dilemma faced by listener Dan, who has the bravery to reveal how he was dumped by a girl he not only loved, but still loves. This we cannot abide, so our savvy senseis give Dan their all with first aid for his busted heart plus a workable plan he can implement to not only self-heal, but emotionally thrive — all while dishing up a little payback to the broad that done him wrong.

If you’ve ever been in love or plan to be at some point, this is your episode.

Want even more secrets of a Take No Sh*t life? Go to Patreon and join the dojo. There you shall find even more nuggets of wisdom and access to stories only Dojo members hear. Not to mention the fellowship of a fantastic crew of people.

And then follow the show on Twitter here.

And get a TNS Dojo tee shirt here.

Email us your problem at thatlarryshow@gmail.com.

Or a voice mail at 302-71-larry

See you next Tuesday.

Episode 43: Winning at Work and Love

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How to sling BS like a master • Which chicks should you dump • How to re-set with a babe when she’s already written you off • Pretentious words we hate • Larry rewrites the Gettysburg Address (Lincoln fans will be rip-sh*t) • Head slap moments • What’s a “thought rut” and how to dig yourself out of it.” • Re-wiring your mind and your vocabulary to win at work and love • How to make winning a habit • All this and more!

The best things in life may be free, but they’re difficult to enjoy when starving and homeless. This is the Work and Love episode. Barring trust funds and Lotto wins, you can’t get one without the other. Sad but true. Even penniless gigolos have to work. They must stroke and cuddle and flatter and service those whom they find as repulsive as a bag of maggots.

Work and love. They make the world go round. Or they lead to suicide. In this nearly all – advice episode we dig deep to help you re-wire yourself for success in both.

Many of the same principles that bring success in business generate success in romance. Like self-adoration. Boldness. Are they nicey-nice attributes? Would Dr. Phil approve? Of course not. He’s a big phony.

At the TNS Dojo, we’ve got one mission – your welfare. To help you Take No Sh*t. And outside of academia, there’s nowhere you’re more likely to get sprayed than the workplace or relationships.

So don’t just reach for the brass ring, ride the horse off the merry-go-round and into the life of your dreams. You deserve it.

Want even more secrets of a Take No Sh*t life? Go to Patreon and join the dojo. There you shall find even more nuggets of wisdom and access to stories only Dojo members hear. No to mention the fellowship of a fantastic crew of people.

And then follow the show on Twitter here.

And get a TNS Dojo tee shirt here.

Email us your problem at thatlarryshow@gmail.com.

Or a voice mail at 302-71-larry

See you next Tuesday.

Episode 42: GYNARCHY – Larry Strikes Back

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Larry takes on 2 man-hating broads at a supermarket and wins • Words you must NEVER use at the TNS dojo. • Elvis shot his sports car: why you should, too • Larry’s Clark Griswold moment • How to vanquish a female who thinks she is superior • Can you judge a head case by her clothing? • Femme fashions that signal “psycho.” Which demo is most often victims of violence? (hint: it’s NOT women.) All this and more!!!!

A listener asked if I ever wished my daughters were sons. The short answer is: only when I can’t find a millimeter of bathroom sink space that isn’t covered by cosmetics, hair care products and crap only a forensics team could identify. The serious answer is – who would want a son, now that men are the new underclass?

Maybe Caitlyn Jenner knows more than she’s telling. Because in 2017 (and for many years prior) men have been 2nd class citizens. So who wouldn’t want to be a chick? If a woman gets in a beef with a guy, he automatically goes to jail. There are dozens of massive US government agencies pulsating with zeal and bursting with money (our money) to make female dreams come true. Men are not eligible, sorry. In 2017, to grow up male is to grow up disadvantaged. Because the Western world is thoroughly rigged for females.

The feminization of Western culture is complete. Men are the underclass. Masculine things are bad things. Fishing, hunting, guns, knives, fireworks, mean jokes, funny jokes, muscle cars, car racing, violent video games, metal, camo clothing. All bad. Symbols of male aggression. Bad, bad, bad! Big Momma has collectively twisted all mens’ ears, bitch slapped them, washed their mouths out with lye soap and throttled them into whimpering punks who worry about nothing but others’ feelings and whether their behavior/speech/music/entertainment/thoughts are in any way offensive or inappropriate.

How did this happen? Damned if I know. But this episode happened because of an altercation I had at a supermarket a few years back, where some cretinous bimbo, (dressed as Little Bo Peep) obviously accustomed to bullying men, got between me and my 7 year old daughter. Bad idea for Bo Peep. It… got… ugly.

How ugly?

Listen.

And then go to Patreon and join the dojo.

And then follow the show on Twitter here and Tony Spumonte here. (Follow Tony before they ban him. They don’t like what he tweets.)

And get a TNS Dojo tee shirt here.

Email us your problem at thatlarryshow@gmail.com.

Or a voice mail at 302-71-larry

See you next Tuesday.