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J.C. weighs in on retrospection, future-casting and slackers!
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Month: December 2019
Episode 233: Larry’s Christmas Haunting
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Meet the ghosts of Larry’s Christmas past ● The weight-lifter’s trick that helps you beat the holiday blues ● The difference between lost Christmases and haunted ones ● What you can do today to make your Christmas (and life) more enjoyable ● The vilest holiday libation ● The greatest Christmas story of all ● Merry Christmas, everyone!
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Episode 232: 10 Things Larry Hates About the Holidays
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A preview of Larry’s John McAfee interview! ●Why Larry’s STILL glad he helped Charlie Brown commit suicide ● Why Coca Cola thinks you’re a chooch ● The only 3 Christmas movies worth watching ● Why polar bears are NOT cute ● Larry disses cheap (but rich) party givers ● What’s pissing by candlelight, and how can it be stopped? ● All this and more in this stark look at the hellidays!
With mere days until Christmas, what America needs now is mass sedation. How to do it? How about like in Goldfinger, where Pussy Galore and her flying circus of lesbians crop dust us with aerosol anesthesia. When we wake up, on Dec 26th, everything will be okay. If she were the first thing you’d see upon waking, things would be more than okay.
There are eleven other 25th days of the month, why does December’s torment us? I never liked John Lennon (his name was too similar that Commie with the pointy chin and the Greek fisherman’s hat – which I just learned is a Marxist dog-whistle – the hat, not the chin – but that’s for another episode), and I really dislike his “Christmas” song, but there’s no denying the poignancy (did I just use that word? Excuse me while I punch myself in the face) of the lines:
So this is Christmas, And what have you done
Another year over, And a new one just begun
For most with an IQ surpassing that of a Dalmatian (many of whom are inbred stupid), that line is a lyrical, time-sensitive sword of Damocles, always at the back of one’s mind as we scurry about, conducting our inconsequential affairs.
I’m not certain if, in this episode, I enumerated 10 things I hate about the holidays – it may have been 9 or 11, but who’s counting? The “Holiday Season” has become an assault on all five senses. Especially sound and sight.
How can I unsee this deranged Santa Claus, who is probably 15-feet high. What kind of fiend would not only create but display such a grotesque affront to St. Nick?
Since this is Los Angeles, betcha this guy worked, in some capacity, on The Polar Express, a movie that was not so much about Christmas as it was about Tom Hanks showing us he put the V in versatility, by voicing every character.
Was that Tom imitating the screech of the locomotive’s brakes? Who knows! Maybe Mr. Hanks is that good!!!!! Here’s Tom being versatile.
What the producers saved on hiring other voice actors, they should have put into the CGI characters’ eyes. Every one of them had orbs as dead as a hammerhead.
How about these lollipops that look like coiled blood sausage? Noel.
Merry Pokemon Christmas, everyone! What would the world be without Mary, Joseph and Pikachu?
What’s that? Why, it’s the Iron Giant – well known Christmas symbol.. And, look! There’s an elf on his big, tin shoulder. Alleluia!
Santa traded Rudolph and the reindeer team for a couple of polar bears, just like the Coca Cola corporation commanded. And hey, look at his Model T! Oh come let you adore…my stuff.
Inflatables don’t even look good at maximum inflation. Once the air seeps out, they look like giant, fiesta colored condoms on the lawn.
Ahh, Snoopy. He’s what Christmas is all about. Especially when you double dip the corporatism wand and make Snoop & the Peanuts gang… Dodgers! Nothing says Christmas like cartoons and baseball.
Does Snoop feel lonesome since I handed his master that fistful of Nembutal 3 Christmases ago, and sang him into oblivion with his own gloomy Christmas ditty? I wonder…
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Episode 231: Larry’s Christmas Time Machine
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Hitch a ride with Larry in his Christmas Time Machine ♦ Meet Larry’s Magic Blue Star ♦ 39-18-33 = Barbie’s measurements = Larry’s first pointy crush ♦ Why knives can be better than guns ♦ Larry’s secret Christmas place you’ll never want to leave ♦ How Larry vandalized the family Christmas tree and got away with it ♦ Don’t do Christmas without this episode!
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Across the street from my childhood home in Queens – well, that’s not entirely correct, growing up, we lived in 3 different homes, but across the street from the one I liked best was a Methodist Church and each Christmas the pastor would hang a big blue star from the steeple. I would stare at that star for hours and imagine it took me all kinds of places.
Of course I don’t have a picture of that star, or the church or the house, but I liked the star so much, I built my own replica some years ago. Here it is:
When I hitched myself to that star, I often traveled here:
Beats the hell out of the mean, asphalt, slush covered streets of Queens, NY, doesn’t it?
When I wasn’t looking at the Christmas star, or getting the hell beat out of me by four Domincan nuns (See episode 5 : Larry Slugs a Nun), I was probably in the house (because the weather was so shitty) watching Christmas toy commercials, a staple of which was this pointy plastic vixen, Barbie. She looks pretty damn healthy doesn’t she?
For decades, America loved Barbie. Then, some hideous harridans, envious of her statuesque carriage, declared she represented an “unhealthy” role model for young girls. And so Mattel launched Curvy Barbie.
And sales plummeted.
Which one do you want to take to the dance? Or to bed? (I’m not asking the harridans, we already know they want to take Malibu Barbie to the gas chamber. And then destroy every mirror on earth. Then they’ll be happy.
For a while, (a very brief while in the early 90’s) this was Barbie’s boyfriend Ken. When Mattel realized Ken was wearing a cock ring, they yanked the poor guy off the shelves.
These stupid toys are only a part of what this episode is about.
Listen for yourself.
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Episode 230: Old Nasty God vs Nice Baby God (Sinners’ Sunday #71)
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You’ve never heard the REAL story behind Christmas… until now.
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Episode 229: How to Find a Girlfriend by New Year’s
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The BEST places to meet women (and there’s no cover charge!) ♥ HOW to talk to women ♥ How to filter out the bad ones ♥ Chick magnets that work ♥ Where to find the right girl for you ♥ Common mistakes to avoid ♥ If you heed the advice in this episode, you will find a girlfriend by New Year’s, or your money back!
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