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Hitch a ride with Larry in his Christmas Time Machine ♦ Meet Larry’s Magic Blue Star ♦ 39-18-33 = Barbie’s measurements = Larry’s first pointy crush ♦ Why knives can be better than guns ♦ Larry’s secret Christmas place you’ll never want to leave ♦ How Larry vandalized the family Christmas tree and got away with it ♦ Don’t do Christmas without this episode!
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Across the street from my childhood home in Queens – well, that’s not entirely correct, growing up, we lived in 3 different homes, but across the street from the one I liked best was a Methodist Church and each Christmas the pastor would hang a big blue star from the steeple. I would stare at that star for hours and imagine it took me all kinds of places.
Of course I don’t have a picture of that star, or the church or the house, but I liked the star so much, I built my own replica some years ago. Here it is:
When I hitched myself to that star, I often traveled here:
Beats the hell out of the mean, asphalt, slush covered streets of Queens, NY, doesn’t it?
When I wasn’t looking at the Christmas star, or getting the hell beat out of me by four Domincan nuns (See episode 5 : Larry Slugs a Nun), I was probably in the house (because the weather was so shitty) watching Christmas toy commercials, a staple of which was this pointy plastic vixen, Barbie. She looks pretty damn healthy doesn’t she?
For decades, America loved Barbie. Then, some hideous harridans, envious of her statuesque carriage, declared she represented an “unhealthy” role model for young girls. And so Mattel launched Curvy Barbie.
And sales plummeted.
Which one do you want to take to the dance? Or to bed? (I’m not asking the harridans, we already know they want to take Malibu Barbie to the gas chamber. And then destroy every mirror on earth. Then they’ll be happy.
For a while, (a very brief while in the early 90’s) this was Barbie’s boyfriend Ken. When Mattel realized Ken was wearing a cock ring, they yanked the poor guy off the shelves.
These stupid toys are only a part of what this episode is about.
Listen for yourself.
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