The classic New Year’s episode re-mastered – with NEW content! How and why it set the compass for the show • Larry survives gunfire, mobsters and drunken chicks • Pointy Chicks – explained • Why you should NEVER look back – even on New Year’s (but you will anyway)• How to avoid New Year’s blues • The New Year’s song that could choke up a monster • Meet Tony Spumonte and discover why he’s the lovable mobster. All this and more!!!!
Long before there was TBPITU, long before there was The Dick Show, long before there was That LARRY SHOW… there was another show. The seminal show. The ORIGINAL show. The one that launched them all. Listen to the long buried demo for that show and discover the secrets of them all.
This episode is like Creationism versus Big Bang . Nothing EVER comes from nothing, capice? Or as preachers like to say GOD creates, man assembles. (Maybe Dick – the Avowed Atheist – and I – a Consecrated Man – should debate the subject. )
These podcasts didn’t just appear. Something happened that made them happen. This episode is where you find out how they were birthed.
Besides telling you more than others did, you’ll learn
- What I found in Captain Jack Sparrow’s wig
- How Sean the engineer became Szhheauween the de facto co-host and zing-meister of the Dick Show
- Why people love celebrities – alive, dead or wax.
- Why Jimmy Kimmel is an attention whore
- How Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum could make more $$ than Disneyland
- How I won a game show hosted by Dick Masterson
But wait, there’s more! Perhaps in the next bonus episode, I’ll reveal the answers to other mysteries like:
- Why I never appeared on TBPITU
- The battle between Dick and other guy for my brilliance
- The creepy offer that was made to me – more gross than a face punch!
You’ll also learn why I dug Dennis Hopper but was (temporarily) faked out by his bullshit PR machine. But Frank Booth was still the greatest character in cinema history. Here’s that favorite scene of mine.
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And join the Patreon where TRUTH LIVES.
See you next Tuesday for my New Year’s Extravaganza.
Listen with the kids – this episode is G-rated • 3 classic Christmas tales for your yuletide listening pleasure • The real meaning of “recreation” • How to get your kid on no matter how old you are • Story time at the TNS Dojo on a cold, snowy night – wear your onesie • Merry Christmas
What can you say about Christmas? It’s for kids. And adults. It’s for everybody. But on different levels. An allegory.
The first episode of this show (Dec 2016) was a Christmas episode. I called it the Holiday Survival Guide. Because if we’re not careful, the holidays can beat us senseless. It’s all about managing expectations. Raise them too high and disappointment is a lead-pipe cinch. Keep them attainable, and you might have a great time.
Until we’re around age 12, Christmas is the hap-hap-happiest time of the year. If you’re over 21 and still think so, you’ve either got brain damage or have achieved spiritual perfection. If it’s the latter, do not pass Bethlehem. Do not collect Frankincense and Myrrh. Go directly to paradise, amen I say unto you… baby.
I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. Since I was around 18 or 19, I’ve saved one copy of every Christmas card I ever sent. This one was from around age 25.
Here’s this year’s. Don’t misconstrue, I still want the age 25 version. But my wife and kids might take a dim view of it. At the same time, the current Christmas card has always been part of it as well. How do you spell d-i-c-h-o-t-o-m-y?
Last year’s Christmas show was from the 25 year-old me. Snarky. Wise ass. Caustic. I officiated at Charlie Brown’s suicide and sang his sorry ass into the next world. That I do not regret. I never liked that neurotic little drip. He had zero to complain about, but complain was all he did. He needed to be bitch – slapped. Hard. His life was a boat-ride, but he acted as if he was behind barbed wire at Dachau. What a little asshole.
This Christmas, I decided to do something very different. Since I started this endeavor, listeners have been telling me, Larry read us a bedtime story! Here they are. Not a bedtime story… 3 bedtime stories. Especially curated (I hate that word) for long-time listeners who are family folks or plan on being such one day… or maybe want to re-capture the feeling of being a kid at Christmas. 3 stories. 3 different feels. All rooted in the same 2,017 year- old event.
It’s astonishing how little some people know about Christmas. They don’t know there was a prick king (isn’t that a Thai dish?) named Herod who put out a contract on a baby. That astrology figured into it in a big, big way. That 3 wise guys got wind of the plan to snuff their asses so they took a circuitous route home to avoid Herod’s button men. The real story of Christmas reads like a Mario Puzo novel. But who knows that? For FAQ, check the New Testament.
So this Christmas, I wish you… what?
First, peace. If you put your head on the pillow and anxieties have you vibrating like A 440, that’s no good. Peace.
Next… health. Without health, life is grim. A constant struggle.
Lastly – believe it or not, I wish you love. With sufficient doses of love, lack of peace and/or health can be overcome. It’s true. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.
There are but 6 shopping days until Christmas. If that factoid is of some import to you, you’ve landed on the wrong podcast. If you dismiss that intel with the back of your hand, you’re in the right place.
Each year, as Christmas draws near, la familia and I watch 3 movies.
1) Christmas Vacation. In many ways, I am Clark Griswold, but shorter and nastier. (Chevy Chase is 6’5″. I’m a paltry 6′)
2) It’s A Wonderful Life. My wife turned me on to this flick. Jimmy Stewart was the most underrated actor in the history of Hollywood. If you dispute this, watch him at the railroad station.
3) A Christmas Carol. There are multiple screen versions of this Dickens classic. My all-time favorite is the George C. Scott version. The single best movie to view on Christmas Eve. (If movie watching is on your agenda. It need not be.)
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Usually, I end these epistles with plugs for Patreon and t-shirts.
SCANDAL CLAUS – Larry’s musical uppercut to icons destroyed by sexual misconduct • Why Larry needs YOUR help – NOW! • How social media may wreck mankind • Larry attends a Christmas parade in 83 degree heat • Facing your Ghosts of Christmas Past • Why Bethlehem is L.A.’s twin city • Why all gifts are crap • The TNS Dojo 2018 Tour – why it MUST happen • All this and MORE!
Can you believe it? An entire year has elapsed since I helped Charlie Brown into a warm tub, handed him a fatal dose of Nembutal and sang him into eternity.
So it’s only fitting that on this momentous occasion, I again use music to demolish more not- so sacred cows, like Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey Matt Lauer, Al Franken, Louis CK et al. If I could, I’d pin their pajama sleeves to the outside of their blankets for the rest of their dirty little wanker lives.
Instead, I wrote and performed my own scathing song for these creepy, groping miscreants – SCANDAL CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN. So click this link and listen and watch the video and then share it with the world.
Help make this go viral so I can schedule the TNS DOJO 2018 World Tour. I must make this happen, but I cannot do it alone. Share this video link with every one you know – especially Twitter friends with jillions of followers. Or AM radio DJs, or big time bloggers or other podcasters (who are not punks or pukes). Because all it takes is one of them to endorse and retweet and ka-boom — the tour will happen.
You have to do it NOW – December 26 is too late.
Couple of big things coming your way. 1) My year end GOSS BOMB. What is it? Well, if you think you know everything about those other podcasts that resulted in that $20 million lolsuit — you don’t. So stay tuned – I’ll post that juicy episode ( Patreon only) in a few short days.
Next Tuesday, December 19 will be the official Christmas episode. Something very different – so different that you can listen with your kids. I won’t use even one bad word, I promise.
Email me at email@example.com
Voice mail me at 302-71-larry.
Swing by iTunes and give the show a 5-star review.
And most of all — share the crap out of this link and make Scandal Claus a viral phenomenon.
The EASY secret to NEVER being a victim — on the street, at work, in business. How corporations try to victimize you and how to beat them. How to avoid street crime. How to turn the tables on predators. EXPOSED: sneaky ways other try to victimize you. How to de-program yourself — and why that will make you dangerous. All this and MORE!!!
Christmas is coming and this is only the beginning of my Santa schtick.
At every turn there’s another punk trying to pick your pocket or manage you or lay a guilt trip on you or in some way exert power over you. In this episode, you’ll discover the secrets of not only defeating these punks, but rendering your self invulnerable to their assaults.
Don’t believe me? Check out this testimonial from a listener :
And this ^^^^^^^^^ from one who has YET TO HEAR THIS EPISODE!
You’ll wish you had heard this back in 5th grade. But it’s not too late — wisdom has no freshness date.
A woman forces Larry to dance and tries to drown him in vomit • Larry is sexually harassed (again!) at the company holiday party • Gifts that say “I like you… sorta” • How to attend (but not attend) holiday parties • How getting religion can get you out of an awkward Christmas dinner • When the box is more important than the gift • Your PRE-HOLIDAY primer – listen or suffer – the choice is yours!
This show is as inextricably linked with Christmas as Jesus and Santa Claus. For it was almost one year ago, on a dry and windy Los Angeles night, that That Larry Show was born. And it came into this world mocking cheesy paens to Christmas like the worst Christmas song ever recorded, John Lennon’s hideous dirge, “Happy Xmas (War is Over).” How could any song with parentheses in the title not suck? Not to mention a kiddie choir with too much treble.
Next I put Charlie Brown in a warm tub, gave him a fist full of Nembutal and crooned him into the big sleep. No regrets there either. I never liked him. Never found him funny. That lame-ass cartoon was what I call chuckle-humor. Never a belly-laugh. Just polite, low-volume, low-octane chuckles. But not from me. I never chuckle. I either laugh till I puke or I remain silent. No gray areas in humor. Chuckle humor is like political humor. Unfunny. And unfunny comedians are called “humorists,” ever notice that?
But that was then and this is now. Here we are nearly a year later, but a smidge too early for my official Christmas Show, but this one is a powerful prelude.
Here, you will learn why working in sales can really suck and sometimes no amount of money is sufficient for what is asked of us. You’ll also discover why you should always stay several paces from an angry woman with a belly full of vodka and hors d’oeuvres. You’ll learn how to shop for a new girlfriend and deflect pressure to commit – even a little.
Why do women wield the word “commit” like a mini gun? When I hear that word, I want to commit – seppuku.
But I’m drifting here. This is the Pre-Holiday Lock ‘n’ Load episode and it’s everything you need to prep you for the holidays.
You also need to hear the latest Bonus Episode – “How NOT to be a Victim.” It will help you avoid commitment and ultimately, seppuku. Listen here.
That should keep you busy and safe until next Tuesday.
Write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Or sing me a song or complain or tell me your sickest secret at 302-71-larry.