Episode 39: Doomsday

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Interview with Kim Jong Un’s personal hooker • The EXACT date of WW III revealed • Why Kim Jong Un is the HERO WE NEED • What’s in Kim Jong Un’s cargo container-sized toy chest? • The “special place” where Kim likes to be touched • Why Dennis Rodman is our only hope • Who was Larry’s personal boogeyman? • Why you should embrace the apocalypse • How Kim compares to other boogeymen • Is Kim a cross dresser and what does he wear? • Why Justin Bieber is safe from Kim’s nukes • Why WW III should be called The Big ResetAll this and more… if we’re still alive!

This may be the best episode ever. Definitely top 3.

Armageddonwithit, baby! Always ahead of the curve, this show gave you all you need to know about prepping for the apocalypse back in January. (Check that episode out here.) Back then, Kim Jong Un was as quiet as a mouse with bad hair wearing hand-me-downs from Mao. Now, he’s running his mouth like Hitler on meth. And the message is – prepare to die, Yankee scum!

Just how severe is this threat? Judge for yourself when you listen to an in-depth interview with Kim’s favorite courtesan, who is now living large in Beverly Hills. She dishes all the dirt, from his penchant for lingerie to his boy crush on Justin Bieber.

We also reveal the exact date WW III will begin. Spoiler alert – don’t bother building a bomb shelter, the concrete will still be soft when the mushroom clouds are blooming. And that’s a freeing fact isn’t it?

So forget about survival and just try to look your best – and that would be in a TNS Dojo t-shirt. There’s going to be a long, long line at the pearly gates and that shirt will deter line -cutters and wise-asses. So get one here.

Follow the show on Twitter. And join the Dojo on Patreon. Now. Because the Take No Sh*t Dojo has always had a big ass, well-stocked bomb shelter. It is most definitely NOT open to the public. Members only. That means Patrionis. Click here and save your life. While everyone else is on the surface getting their asses and backs broiled doing duck and cover, we’ll be sipping top shelf scotch, tucking into filet and listening to Tony Spumonte regale us with tales of La Cosa Nostra.

You’ve been warned.

 

Episode 38: Planet Snitch

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East Germany, c. 1970: the new normal • On Planet Snitch accused = guilty • Hear an audio file from inside of Lena Dunham’s skull • What is Zersetzung, and why are we living it? • What single word unmasks PC pukes?  • Who invented doxing? • What is the code of Omerta?  • What does a massive urinal have to do with fixing a tattle-tale? • Why TOS is sh*t • What to say when cretins quote “policy”• All this and more!

If you lived in East Germany during the Cold War, you might come home from work to find your couch and Lay-Z-Boy  had changed places. And that cute picture of your toddler replaced by one of Karl Marx.  And your car’s gas tank inexplicably full… of molasses. And faked but authentic-looking images of you doing sick things to a helpless poodle mailed to your friends, co-workers and neighbors. If so, you’d have been ZERTSETZUNGED. Little creepy forget-me-nots from Stasi – the secret police. They invented doxing, outlawed humor and replaced it with fear, paranoia and political correctness. But at least nobody ever had to hear any offensive or inappropriate jokes. So there’s that.

Sound familiar? It’s kinda sorta where these dis-United States are at right now. And it’s really goddamn scary.

Required viewing: Invasion of the Body Snatchers. (1978 version) Synopsis: Humans are being replaced by dead-eyed, humorless, emotionless alien invaders from deep space. See your Uncle Louie over there? The one who cracks offensive and inappropriate jokes… in other words, funny ones? Suddenly he’s more wooden than Scott Pelley. Why? Because he’s actually an intergalactic plant. All the life has been sucked out of him by alien vegetable matter and though he still walks and talks (in a creepy monotone) he’s actually a turnip. And he wants you to be a turnip, too. So when you see him, don’t smile, don’t laugh and for God’s sake, don’t say anything that any turnip (or Lena Dunham) might find offensive. Unless you act and speak like a polite corpse … he’ll realize you’re still human and he’ll point and scream and… report you. And then the other veggie aliens will hold your down and convert you to a turnip. So be safe and just act like… Scott Pelley. A flat-lining, inoffensive, placid, polite, perfunctory, well-coiffed, doll-eyed… turnip.

Listen to this episode and then go binge watch Sam Kineson, Andrew Dice Clay, Mel Brooks, Don Rickles… hey, how come all those comedy greats are either ancient, dead or sidelined?

On second thought, listen to this episode and then click that goddamned Patreon button and and support this show. Because there is absolutely nothing else like it in the universe and it’s one of the few with the stones to sock it to turnips like Lena Dunham. And when you become  Red-belt level Patreon, you get access to all the bonus episodes and life hacks that fortify you against the invaders.

Or you can just slowly blink your eyes and be Scott Pelley.

After you join the Take No Sh*t Dojo, follow the show on Twitter and then follow TONY SPUMONTE – who is also now on Twitter. But do it this instant. Tony’s tweets are off the chain and already the turnips want to shut him down.

Email the show — thatlarryshow@gmail.com and we’ll try to save you from Stasi, Lena, Zersetzung and the soul-sucking turnips.

Or, be Scott Pelley.

Bonus Episode7: Decoding Chick Speak

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ONLY AT PATREON.COM/THATLARRYSHOW

Larry decodes ALL – words, phrases, body language, food, shoes and fragrance! • Familiarize yourself with the chick speak arsenal – Bouncing Betties, Daisy Cutters and more • Learn the secret word that chicks use when they are about to CUCK YOU! Discover the head fakes that morph Friends With Benefits deals into no-escape relationships • Why you should NEVER let a woman hug you before a knife fight • Don’t even THINK of going on a date until you hear this episode!

If you are male —  married, single or celibate —  you NEED this episode. The educational system has failed men. We don’t need Spanish, French or Mandarin – we need to learn chick speak. Here, you’ll acquire the skill to translate arcane and subtle female signals into words you can understand. At the same time, you’ll discover the verbal and non-verbal traps they set to ensnare, confound and render you helpless.

For too long, femmes have enjoyed unchallenged hegemony in wars of words. This is your opportunity to assert your manhood and gain the upper hand.

You’ll thank me for this!

Episode 37: Larry Re-brands God

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GOD RE-BRANDEDas Tony Spumonte! • Take a ride… in Tony Spumonte’s inter-dimensional Cadillac • Give Us This Day Our Daily Gnocchi • Why God has become hip as a flip phone • How to win a Lottery • What is the Splat Calculator? • Tweeting your prayers • If Tony Spumonte saves the world will he still be a criminal? • Who created the Cosmic Cherry Bomb? • Why Karma is Krap • The good, sustainable meteor that Bill Nye & Al Gore want you to love and die for • Why people who play God should have their faces punched off their skullsAll this and more!!!!

Have you noticed how people talk about “The Universe” like it’s some kind of ATM that requires no card, no password and no re-filling? Those panhandlers at train stations and freeway ramps… why haven’t they heard about “The Universe” and the “abundance” it bestows on you? Don’t they know The Secret?  What’s The Secret? It was a 2006 book that made the author sick rich.  The Secret says we need only  ask the Universe and follow the Laws of Attraction. But why not just ask Universe for the money? Writing books is hard work (I’ve written several myself). And they don’t always make money.

When we see a pointy chick we obey the Laws of Attraction, but has it ever made us a dime?

When it became uncool to be a known associate of God, self-help gurus invented this Universe jazz, so people can pray and beg something… for money and candy and sex and muscles and fidget spinners and  not have to feel/look like their parents. It’s all nonsense.

Is there hope for Mankind? Now that Tony Spumonte is GOD, you bet your sweet ass there is. He’s the ultimate Take No Sh*t guy and if you ask him for something, he’s gonna deliver. Of course, he may ask you for something in return. But that’s a lot better than praying to Jupiter and Mars and the Hale-Bopp Comet.

Right from Day One as our Supreme Being, Tony is called upon to save the entire planet. A meteor the size of Alaska is headed for New York at warp speed and unless Tony can stop it, Mother Earth is gonna get her hard drive wiped. (IMHO, she deserves it.)

Download this episode. Listen. Learn. Tell all your friends about Tony. He’s the God you’ve been waiting for all your life.

Then get this shirt.  Whether a meteor is on its way to destroy Earth, or you’re on your way to Jack In The Box, let people know you stand for something. And that you Take No Shi*t.

Then follow the show on Twitter. Sometimes I post some incendiary stuff there. And sneak previews of thumbnails, which are the best in all of podcast land.

On Instagram, where you’ll find an ever-growing gallery of those fantastic thumbnails.

Join the Take No Sh*T Dojo Patreon for special rewards – like signed books and special episodes non-dojo members will never, ever hear. Like the one being posted in a few days that will teach you how to decode Chick Speak. That’s right, Chix have their own verbal and non-verbal languages. If you don’t know them, you’re in for a lifetime of emotional whup-ass. Or, you can not join Patreon and continue to get beaten up by girls. The choice is yours.

Got trouble? Email thatlarryshow@gmail.com, or voice mail 302-71-larry. We have sensies at the Dojo who can fix damn near anything.