East Germany, c. 1970: the new normal • On Planet Snitch accused = guilty • Hear an audio file from inside of Lena Dunham’s skull • What is Zersetzung, and why are we living it? • What single word unmasks PC pukes? • Who invented doxing? • What is the code of Omerta? • What does a massive urinal have to do with fixing a tattle-tale? • Why TOS is sh*t • What to say when cretins quote “policy”• All this and more!
If you lived in East Germany during the Cold War, you might come home from work to find your couch and Lay-Z-Boy had changed places. And that cute picture of your toddler replaced by one of Karl Marx. And your car’s gas tank inexplicably full… of molasses. And faked but authentic-looking images of you doing sick things to a helpless poodle mailed to your friends, co-workers and neighbors. If so, you’d have been ZERTSETZUNGED. Little creepy forget-me-nots from Stasi – the secret police. They invented doxing, outlawed humor and replaced it with fear, paranoia and political correctness. But at least nobody ever had to hear any offensive or inappropriate jokes. So there’s that.
Sound familiar? It’s kinda sorta where these dis-United States are at right now. And it’s really goddamn scary.
Required viewing: Invasion of the Body Snatchers. (1978 version) Synopsis: Humans are being replaced by dead-eyed, humorless, emotionless alien invaders from deep space. See your Uncle Louie over there? The one who cracks offensive and inappropriate jokes… in other words, funny ones? Suddenly he’s more wooden than Scott Pelley. Why? Because he’s actually an intergalactic plant. All the life has been sucked out of him by alien vegetable matter and though he still walks and talks (in a creepy monotone) he’s actually a turnip. And he wants you to be a turnip, too. So when you see him, don’t smile, don’t laugh and for God’s sake, don’t say anything that any turnip (or Lena Dunham) might find offensive. Unless you act and speak like a polite corpse … he’ll realize you’re still human and he’ll point and scream and… report you. And then the other veggie aliens will hold your down and convert you to a turnip. So be safe and just act like… Scott Pelley. A flat-lining, inoffensive, placid, polite, perfunctory, well-coiffed, doll-eyed… turnip.
Listen to this episode and then go binge watch Sam Kineson, Andrew Dice Clay, Mel Brooks, Don Rickles… hey, how come all those comedy greats are either ancient, dead or sidelined?
On second thought, listen to this episode and then click that goddamned Patreon button and and support this show. Because there is absolutely nothing else like it in the universe and it’s one of the few with the stones to sock it to turnips like Lena Dunham. And when you become Red-belt level Patreon, you get access to all the bonus episodes and life hacks that fortify you against the invaders.
Or you can just slowly blink your eyes and be Scott Pelley.
After you join the Take No Sh*t Dojo, follow the show on Twitter and then follow TONY SPUMONTE – who is also now on Twitter. But do it this instant. Tony’s tweets are off the chain and already the turnips want to shut him down.
Email the show — firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll try to save you from Stasi, Lena, Zersetzung and the soul-sucking turnips.
Or, be Scott Pelley.