Author: larryb

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Larry takes on 2 man-hating broads at a supermarket and wins • Words you must NEVER use at the TNS dojo. • Elvis shot his sports car: why you should, too • Larry’s Clark Griswold moment • How to vanquish a female who thinks she is superior • Can you judge a head case by her clothing? • Femme fashions that signal “psycho.” Which demo is most often victims of violence? (hint: it’s NOT women.) All this and more!!!!

A listener asked if I ever wished my daughters were sons. The short answer is: only when I can’t find a millimeter of bathroom sink space that isn’t covered by cosmetics, hair care products and crap only a forensics team could identify. The serious answer is – who would want a son, now that men are the new underclass?

Maybe Caitlyn Jenner knows more than she’s telling. Because in 2017 (and for many years prior) men have been 2nd class citizens. So who wouldn’t want to be a chick? If a woman gets in a beef with a guy, he automatically goes to jail. There are dozens of massive US government agencies pulsating with zeal and bursting with money (our money) to make female dreams come true. Men are not eligible, sorry. In 2017, to grow up male is to grow up disadvantaged. Because the Western world is thoroughly rigged for females.

The feminization of Western culture is complete. Men are the underclass. Masculine things are bad things. Fishing, hunting, guns, knives, fireworks, mean jokes, funny jokes, muscle cars, car racing, violent video games, metal, camo clothing. All bad. Symbols of male aggression. Bad, bad, bad! Big Momma has collectively twisted all mens’ ears, bitch slapped them, washed their mouths out with lye soap and throttled them into whimpering punks who worry about nothing but others’ feelings and whether their behavior/speech/music/entertainment/thoughts are in any way offensive or inappropriate.

How did this happen? Damned if I know. But this episode happened because of an altercation I had at a supermarket a few years back, where some cretinous bimbo, (dressed as Little Bo Peep) obviously accustomed to bullying men, got between me and my 7 year old daughter. Bad idea for Bo Peep. It… got… ugly.

How ugly?

Listen.

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And then follow the show on Twitter here and Tony Spumonte here. (Follow Tony before they ban him. They don’t like what he tweets.)

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Email us your problem at thatlarryshow@gmail.com. 

Or a voice mail at 302-71-larry

See you next Tuesday.

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Greetings, Dojo members.

Without you, the Dojo goes dark.

This is my special message for you.

It’s about admiration, it’s about acknowledgement, it’s about recognition, it’s about gratitude… it’s about time!

Arigato, my friends.

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What are the 3 worst words in the English language? • Why Larry hates Labor Day (and you should too)  • What does Labor Day really mean?  • Why is it a Commie holiday? • What happens when you turn 30? • How do you keep it from happening to you? • What do women say when they turn 30? • When is it time to quit your job? • How do you know when some chick is the one•  All this and more!

Labor Day. The crappiest sounding holiday of them all. It’s nothing but a 72 hour throat punch. Because the fact that we’re working at all is an admission of failure. We’ve not managed to do what Zuckerberg did (steal Facebook) or Bezos did (destroy books and retail) or Musk did (con the government into subsidizing his over-priced rides.) So now, after a summer of seamless crises (few of which ever amounted to more than their Twitter hash tags) we’re supposed to celebrate…what? That… we work therefore we are?

Work sucks. That’s why it’s a pay check not a play check. But what if you could minimize the misery and maximize the $$$$ and pleasure? What better time to explore this than Labor Day? While your friends bemoan the end of summer and drink themselves into a stupor, you’ll be listening to this episode so that next Labor Day, you’ll have something better to do than swill room temperature PBR and eat Beenie Weenie off soggy paper plates with those cheap-ass plastic forks that snap if you so much as spear a chunk of stale potato salad.

In this episode, meet Nippon Nick and Don, two dudes who’ve had their fill of working for Japanese corporations, where Karoshi is common. What is Karoshi?  It’s the good and honorable “overwork death.” As Nick tells it, in Tokyo some guys like to change it up by leaping in front of the bullet train or from a tall building. That would make more of a statement than face planting on your keyboard. If you’re going to die for your job, at least give them a big mess to clean up.

What the hell went wrong with work? It wasn’t always this way. When the 5 o’clock whistle blew, Fred Flintstone slid down the brontosaurus’ neck and was MIA until Monday morning. Over the weekend, it was drive-in movies and bowling with Wilma and Barney and Barney’s very pointy wife, Betty. Today, Fred would not dare leave work until dark and clock in Saturday and Sunday for overtime.

On Monday morning, once George Jetson  dropped off his pointy wife (Jane) and got to the office, the first thing he did was put his feet up on the desk for a snooze. Today, Fred and George would be Karoshi candidates, no matter where they worked or what they did. Because somewhere along the line, this Karoshi crap became… acceptable.

Screw that. At the Take No Sh*t Dojo, we spit on Karoshi and all its endorsers and practitioners.

So now listen closely and hock up a massive loogie as we express our disdain for over work and corporate sycophants. For this is the… Point of No Return.

This. Karoshi. Sh*t. Stops. Now.

And then go to Patreon and join the dojo.

And then follow the show on Twitter here and Tony Spumonte here. (Follow Tony before they ban him. They don’t like what he tweets.)

And get a TNS Dojo tee shirt here.

Email us your problem at thatlarryshow@gmail.com.

See you next Tuesday.

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How to find “the one” for you • How to disentangle yourself from a bad romance • 7 words that can keep you from wrecking your life • How self – reliance lets you choose a life mate on your terms • The difference between friends and acquaintances • Why mood-levelers are poison • How to enjoy your own company • How to enjoy dining alone • Commie words never to use at the TNS Dojo • Listen to this episode and you may never feel lonely again!

Late August is usually the summer doldrums, right? The world is on vacation or passed out from too much PBR at the BBQ. Not so the TNS Dojo. We relentlessly soldier on to help you kick ass and take names. Hence, you may notice a small but potent adjustment to the show’s intro, at about 12 seconds in. Some chick intones, “Larry. F#*king Larry.” Who is she? What do her words mean? Does she recline like some opium den odalisque, sloe-eyed, satiated and spent after another salacious escapade with me in the XXX theater of her mind? Is she keening for another episode after binge-listening for an entire day of her life? Does she wonder where on God’s earth she can acquire a Larry of her very own to have, hold, ravish and enthrall?

Or do her orbs narrow in fury at the descriptor pointy and the hideously inappropriate (that’s one of the Commie words!),  interview with Ting-Ting, Kim Jung Un’s personal hooker from Episode 39 (now available in this shocking video)? Are her 3-words a threat, redolent with vitriol and malice? Does she dial N.O.W. and put TLS at the top of their sh*t list?

I want to know. For she is the new Mona Lisa. (Who gives a crap about the old Mona Lisa? Why did Da Vinci waste paint and brush strokes on her?) In the XXX theater of my mind, the chick voicing those three words is pointy to the power of 10. And then some.

Her audio clip was sent to us by Ronnie Fox, listener and Patreon extraordinaire. Thank you, Ronnie. And as badly as I want to ID her (and more) I beseech you not to reveal her visage to me, for no woman could possibly rival the fantasy.

I’ve also smoothed out the loop of the Zombies in the intro. Listener Jesse D. said it bugged him and it’s been bugging me since December of ’16.

Now to the matter of this episode. It’s fueled by emails from listeners. One is lonely and one wishes he was, as he tries to unload an ex-girlfriend/current roomie. Why hasn’t some Zuckerberg wonk come up with a way for people to just trade miseries? Maybe call it Tinder 2.0 or… Cinder, for when Tinder spawned romances go down in flames.

More bad decisions are made out of loneliness than alcohol-fueled rage and lust. At least after those bad decisions, one can hold his head high and indignantly say… I was loaded. Which seems easier than saying… I was lonely. But lonely we are. All of us. Sometimes. A lot of the time. Most of the time.

While there is no blanket cure or preventative for loneliness, there are many palliatives. What are they? You’ll have to listen.

And when your cup runneth over with the soured milk of a spoiled relationship,  and you long for blissful solitude, how to you get some? We’ve got a plan for you. Just listen.

Ad then go to Patreon and join the dojo.

And then follow the show on Twitter here and Tony Spumonte here. (Follow Tony before they ban him. They don’t like what he tweets.)

And get a TNS Dojo tee shirt here.

And email us your problem at thatlarryshow@gmail.com.

Do we have all the answers?

Listen.

 

 

 

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Interview with Kim Jong Un’s personal hooker • The EXACT date of WW III revealed • Why Kim Jong Un is the HERO WE NEED • What’s in Kim Jong Un’s cargo container-sized toy chest? • The “special place” where Kim likes to be touched • Why Dennis Rodman is our only hope • Who was Larry’s personal boogeyman? • Why you should embrace the apocalypse • How Kim compares to other boogeymen • Is Kim a cross dresser and what does he wear? • Why Justin Bieber is safe from Kim’s nukes • Why WW III should be called The Big Reset. All this and more… if we’re still alive!

This may be the best episode ever. Definitely top 3.

Armageddonwithit, baby! Always ahead of the curve, this show gave you all you need to know about prepping for the apocalypse back in January. (Check that episode out here.) Back then, Kim Jong Un was as quiet as a mouse with bad hair wearing hand-me-downs from Mao. Now, he’s running his mouth like Hitler on meth. And the message is – prepare to die, Yankee scum!

Just how severe is this threat? Judge for yourself when you listen to an in-depth interview with Kim’s favorite courtesan, who is now living large in Beverly Hills. She dishes all the dirt, from his penchant for lingerie to his boy crush on Justin Bieber.

We also reveal the exact date WW III will begin. Spoiler alert – don’t bother building a bomb shelter, the concrete will still be soft when the mushroom clouds are blooming. And that’s a freeing fact isn’t it?

So forget about survival and just try to look your best – and that would be in a TNS Dojo t-shirt. There’s going to be a long, long line at the pearly gates and that shirt will deter line -cutters and wise-asses. So get one here.

Follow the show on Twitter. And join the Dojo on Patreon. Now. Because the Take No Sh*t Dojo has always had a big ass, well-stocked bomb shelter. It is most definitely NOT open to the public. Members only. That means Patrionis. Click here and save your life. While everyone else is on the surface getting their asses and backs broiled doing duck and cover, we’ll be sipping top shelf scotch, tucking into filet and listening to Tony Spumonte regale us with tales of La Cosa Nostra.

You’ve been warned.

 

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East Germany, c. 1970: the new normal • On Planet Snitch accused = guilty • Hear an audio file from inside of Lena Dunham’s skull • What is Zersetzung, and why are we living it? • What single word unmasks PC pukes?  • Who invented doxing? • What is the code of Omerta?  • What does a massive urinal have to do with fixing a tattle-tale? • Why TOS is sh*t • What to say when cretins quote “policy”• All this and more!

If you lived in East Germany during the Cold War, you might come home from work to find your couch and Lay-Z-Boy  had changed places. And that cute picture of your toddler replaced by one of Karl Marx.  And your car’s gas tank inexplicably full… of molasses. And faked but authentic-looking images of you doing sick things to a helpless poodle mailed to your friends, co-workers and neighbors. If so, you’d have been ZERTSETZUNGED. Little creepy forget-me-nots from Stasi – the secret police. They invented doxing, outlawed humor and replaced it with fear, paranoia and political correctness. But at least nobody ever had to hear any offensive or inappropriate jokes. So there’s that.

Sound familiar? It’s kinda sorta where these dis-United States are at right now. And it’s really goddamn scary.

Required viewing: Invasion of the Body Snatchers. (1978 version) Synopsis: Humans are being replaced by dead-eyed, humorless, emotionless alien invaders from deep space. See your Uncle Louie over there? The one who cracks offensive and inappropriate jokes… in other words, funny ones? Suddenly he’s more wooden than Scott Pelley. Why? Because he’s actually an intergalactic plant. All the life has been sucked out of him by alien vegetable matter and though he still walks and talks (in a creepy monotone) he’s actually a turnip. And he wants you to be a turnip, too. So when you see him, don’t smile, don’t laugh and for God’s sake, don’t say anything that any turnip (or Lena Dunham) might find offensive. Unless you act and speak like a polite corpse … he’ll realize you’re still human and he’ll point and scream and… report you. And then the other veggie aliens will hold your down and convert you to a turnip. So be safe and just act like… Scott Pelley. A flat-lining, inoffensive, placid, polite, perfunctory, well-coiffed, doll-eyed… turnip.

Listen to this episode and then go binge watch Sam Kineson, Andrew Dice Clay, Mel Brooks, Don Rickles… hey, how come all those comedy greats are either ancient, dead or sidelined?

On second thought, listen to this episode and then click that goddamned Patreon button and and support this show. Because there is absolutely nothing else like it in the universe and it’s one of the few with the stones to sock it to turnips like Lena Dunham. And when you become  Red-belt level Patreon, you get access to all the bonus episodes and life hacks that fortify you against the invaders.

Or you can just slowly blink your eyes and be Scott Pelley.

After you join the Take No Sh*t Dojo, follow the show on Twitter and then follow TONY SPUMONTE – who is also now on Twitter. But do it this instant. Tony’s tweets are off the chain and already the turnips want to shut him down.

Email the show — thatlarryshow@gmail.com and we’ll try to save you from Stasi, Lena, Zersetzung and the soul-sucking turnips.

Or, be Scott Pelley.

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ONLY AT PATREON.COM/THATLARRYSHOW

Larry decodes ALL – words, phrases, body language, food, shoes and fragrance! • Familiarize yourself with the chick speak arsenal – Bouncing Betties, Daisy Cutters and more • Learn the secret word that chicks use when they are about to CUCK YOU! Discover the head fakes that morph Friends With Benefits deals into no-escape relationships • Why you should NEVER let a woman hug you before a knife fight • Don’t even THINK of going on a date until you hear this episode!

If you are male —  married, single or celibate —  you NEED this episode. The educational system has failed men. We don’t need Spanish, French or Mandarin – we need to learn chick speak. Here, you’ll acquire the skill to translate arcane and subtle female signals into words you can understand. At the same time, you’ll discover the verbal and non-verbal traps they set to ensnare, confound and render you helpless.

For too long, femmes have enjoyed unchallenged hegemony in wars of words. This is your opportunity to assert your manhood and gain the upper hand.

You’ll thank me for this!

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GOD RE-BRANDED… as Tony Spumonte! • Take a ride… in Tony Spumonte’s inter-dimensional Cadillac • Give Us This Day Our Daily Gnocchi • Why God has become hip as a flip phone • How to win a Lottery • What is the Splat Calculator? • Tweeting your prayers • If Tony Spumonte saves the world will he still be a criminal? • Who created the Cosmic Cherry Bomb? • Why Karma is Krap • The good, sustainable meteor that Bill Nye & Al Gore want you to love and die for • Why people who play God should have their faces punched off their skulls • All this and more!!!!

Have you noticed how people talk about “The Universe” like it’s some kind of ATM that requires no card, no password and no re-filling? Those panhandlers at train stations and freeway ramps… why haven’t they heard about “The Universe” and the “abundance” it bestows on you? Don’t they know The Secret?  What’s The Secret? It was a 2006 book that made the author sick rich.  The Secret says we need only  ask the Universe and follow the Laws of Attraction. But why not just ask Universe for the money? Writing books is hard work (I’ve written several myself). And they don’t always make money.

When we see a pointy chick we obey the Laws of Attraction, but has it ever made us a dime?

When it became uncool to be a known associate of God, self-help gurus invented this Universe jazz, so people can pray and beg something… for money and candy and sex and muscles and fidget spinners and  not have to feel/look like their parents. It’s all nonsense.

Is there hope for Mankind? Now that Tony Spumonte is GOD, you bet your sweet ass there is. He’s the ultimate Take No Sh*t guy and if you ask him for something, he’s gonna deliver. Of course, he may ask you for something in return. But that’s a lot better than praying to Jupiter and Mars and the Hale-Bopp Comet.

Right from Day One as our Supreme Being, Tony is called upon to save the entire planet. A meteor the size of Alaska is headed for New York at warp speed and unless Tony can stop it, Mother Earth is gonna get her hard drive wiped. (IMHO, she deserves it.)

Download this episode. Listen. Learn. Tell all your friends about Tony. He’s the God you’ve been waiting for all your life.

Then get this shirt.  Whether a meteor is on its way to destroy Earth, or you’re on your way to Jack In The Box, let people know you stand for something. And that you Take No Shi*t.

Then follow the show on Twitter. Sometimes I post some incendiary stuff there. And sneak previews of thumbnails, which are the best in all of podcast land.

On Instagram, where you’ll find an ever-growing gallery of those fantastic thumbnails.

Join the Take No Sh*T Dojo Patreon for special rewards – like signed books and special episodes non-dojo members will never, ever hear. Like the one being posted in a few days that will teach you how to decode Chick Speak. That’s right, Chix have their own verbal and non-verbal languages. If you don’t know them, you’re in for a lifetime of emotional whup-ass. Or, you can not join Patreon and continue to get beaten up by girls. The choice is yours.

Got trouble? Email thatlarryshow@gmail.com, or voice mail 302-71-larry. We have sensies at the Dojo who can fix damn near anything.

 

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They say friends are God’s way of compensating you for your family. That’s often true. Relatives will do things to you, ask things of you and say things about you no enemy would. Why do we tolerate this? Because as kids, we grow accustomed to taking their sh*t.

This episode is a 9-minute workout for your backbone. You’ll get a 3-part crash course in 1) situation assessment 2) Identifying the manipulator’s weakness and 3) resolving the conflict to YOUR satisfaction – permanently.

Whether it’s a grimbo step-parent, an in-law or a sibling that’s giving you grief, this show will weaponize your mind, enabling you to Take No Sh*t.

Isn’t it time you joined the TNS Dojo and started kicking life’s ass?

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Who is Brenda the Bride and what does she want from Larry? What wisdom does he give her and all single chix? What’s the Krell Brain Boost and why does Elon Musk need it? Why is Elon Musk a pinhead? Is Larry’s local supermarket a portal to another dimension? Who’s Ravishing Rashmi and how pointy is she? How did Larry miss being killed by a NYC bus, witness a double homicide that looked like an effect from Dune, then eat French food with a pointy chick? Why are Los Angeles pedestrians the stupidest people on earth? How are Furries the same as corporate execs? All this and more!

Ever feel like your entire life is being projected on a screen and you’re just watching, powerless, from the cheap seats? Then this is your episode. Is your entire life an out-of-body experience? Maybe. Ever since The Matrix (actually, well before The Matrix) people have been wondering about parallel universes. And why not? This universe is broken. What’s the customer service number? How do I get in a tech-help chat?

Ever notice how people too cool to say “God” now refer to him/it as “the Universe?” Maybe god needs to be re-branded. Okay, I accept the job. Stop with this “the universe” nonsense. From now on, He shall be called… Frank. (No, not Francesca – He’s definitely a cis.) Our Frank, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy swizzle stick…

I’m not a huge Sci-fi fan yet in this episode Forbidden Planet and Dune are both referenced. I never watched all of Dune – the acne on the fat guy was just too revolting. Seriously. But Forbidden Planet I’ve seen a bunch of times and you should, too. With a pointy chick,  cool ray guns and a machine that enables everyone to be his own Frank, what’s not to like? And who knew that Robby the Robot was a submissive foot freak?

In Los Angeles, maybe the most Frankless city on earth, the pedestrians are generally morons. They step into traffic like they are Frank and cars will bounce off them. And LA motorists think it’s rude to use the horn. They’d rather run you over than toot at you. It’s really idiotic.

Sometimes I wish Frank would destroy everyone in LA except those on my Do Not Destroy list. Once that’s been done, the population would be about 7. 7 is a good number. Frank likes 7. 7 days, 7/11 etc.

I’m supposed to appear on next Dick Show with my as yet unopened bag of Tortilla chips with the foreign matter inside that made my kid puke. Here’s a pic of the puke-inducing substance.

 

 

 

 

 

Swing over here Wednesday (7/26/17) for a kick ass bonus episode of Life Hacks from the Dojo. HANDLING TOXIC RELATIVES.

I’ll tell you how to deal with family members who think they’re Frank.

See you tomorrow.